Wash, DC - (Jan 18) - According to elitist handmaidens of repressive capital, Time, Newsweek, Hustler, and the Wall Street Journal-New York Times etc., each of the other handmaidens of repressive capital, i.e. Time, Newsweek, Hustler, and the Wall Street Journal-New York Times etc., has a totally contradictory story, today, about just exactly what the President will actually do and say for his so-called "state" of the so-called "union message," Tuesday night -- even though they all have absolutely impeccably reliable sources all of whom are, also, of course, the same person.

According to the New York Times, Clinton has totally shaved his head for the speech and, instead of speaking, will just stand there at the podium looking pissed and staring long and aggressively into every individual face in the house, one at a time, for a solid hour or more. Then end by saying, "And that's my so-called 'State' of the so-called 'Union message,' yuh sick buncha fucks!"

According to Time, however, Clinton won't totally shave his head, and the remaining clumps and tufts of hair will be dyed purple.

According to the Wall Street Journal, however, in order to emphasize the health and vitality of the US economy and the power of the American consumer, Clinton will just stand there, at the podium, scarfing down endless multi-course meals featuring whole cows and pigs and cases of Doritos and Twinkies and whole tanker truckloads of Pepsi. Eventually a complex multi-timbered Presidential belch of seemingly infinite duration will reveal the State of the Union more accurately than any combination of even the most eloquent words ever could.

According, however, to Clinton's own handwritten notes personally fished out of the White House dumpster by Newsweek and Hustler top brass, Clinton's message will consist entirely of the following 10-point list of proposed accomplishments for the so-called "coming" year:

1) ratify the Global Schmoozing Treaty whereby nations, instead of engaging in global wars using weapons of mass destruction, will simply get together and schmooze each other to death with endless self-righteous chit-chat and transparently phony mutual praise.

2) save the poor starving pipe artisans by passing pipe artisan legislation. It's time for us all to get on board the pipe artisan ship and help out this endangered trade.

3) sell the whole damn fucking US economy to Bolivia in exchange for the promise of a lifetime supply of red Sports Utility Vehicles hand-sculpted out of crystal meth, so every man woman and child in the US can own one and go anywhere and be totally free and, ALSO, have limitless energy, insight and creativity, and never gain weight or have to sleep.

4-10) 7 other things to be named at a later date but, don't worry, none of them will involve accidentally waking up from anaesthesia during surgery performed with "Hey Hey, We're the Monkees" blaring in the background and the whole surgical team singing along.