Redmond, WA - (Feb 8) - Microsoft Corporation, the company that makes unstable, top-heavy, over-featured so-called "software" with names like "Microsoft This," and "Microsoft That," will, apparently, announce later this week, that it's gonna, like, totally reorganize the living fuck out of itself.

"We are gonna, like, totally reorganize the living fuck out of ourself," said a Microsoft spokesperson, "in order to better, you know, "serve" our otherwise worthless piece of shit customer."

The spokesman emphasized that, contrary to what you'd think, the reorganization had nothing whatsoever to do with either Microsoft's currently, like, being an utter fucking piece of shit itself, or with Microsoft's currently being sued up the wazoo for forcing everybody to use its utter fucking worthless piece of shit software -- or die.

"This reorganization," said the spokesperson, "has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Microsoft's being an utter fucking piece of shit, itself -- which, by the way, we HAVE to be, in order to better serve our utter fucking worthless piece of shit customers -- nor does it have absolutely anything whatsoever to do with our being sued up the wazoo for forcing our utter fucking worthless piece of shit software on our users -- which, by the way, we only do because our utter fucking worthless piece of shit users were asking for it. If you know what I mean."

The spokesman went on to say that the actual real reason why Microsoft was reorganizing was more because of Murphy's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics, and also because "dirt is just a processor. It turns everything that touches it into more dirt."

According to video tapes stolen by Sidney Blumenthal from either CNN or Nixon, the new Microsoft, after reorganization, will look something like this:

First, there will be a division devoted solely to figuring out how to make software take up ever more humungous amounts of space, so you have to keep buying huge hard drives and massive amounts of RAM on ever larger motherboards in ever larger new machines -- or die.

Then there will be a division devoted entirely to coming up with warm and subtle ways to tell people to go fuck themselves and the horse they rode in on, whenever they so much as dare to call the part-time Microsoft support-line intern during business hours.

Then there will be a division that takes all the money and stuffs it into large white canvas sacks.

Then there will be the division that watches the division that stuffs all the money into the large white canvas sacks.

Then there will be a division that takes the large white canvas sacks of money and hides them where they can't be found -- like in secret underwater caves near Antarctica, or just past the boundary where not-nothingness starts to end.

Then there will be a division devoted solely to producing the film "Cold Minor's Daughter" -- about the female offspring of an emotionless 17-year-old -- and then a sequel to this -- to be called either "Cold Adult's Daughter" or "Cold Minor's Daughter's Daughter." Or both.

Then there will be a division whose employees will be devoted solely to walking the beach up and down the West Coast of North America from Vancouver, BC to La Paz, BC, following the weather, sleeping in caves beside the ocean, coming into town by day to eat free leftovers at expensive tourist restaurants and recharge their laptop and PDA batteries. Occasionally healing tourists of catastrophic diseases by the laying on of hands, in exchange for a meal or a few hours on a high-bandwidth hookup.

Then there will be a division that explores the nature of conflict where all opposing forces are the same person.

Then there will be a division that kills all competition and all their family and friends and burns their houses and the houses of all their friends and relatives, and kills their offspring and kills all the offspring and burns the houses and kills all the relatives of anyone even attending their funeral and poisons their water and plants landmines everywhere they walk or where any members of their family walk, or where anyone they've ever spoken to walks.

Then there will be the division that warms up the planes for when it's time to get the fuck out of town, fast.