Windows 98 Ate My Balls -- 4/22/98

Wednesday, April 22, 1998

Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Windows 98: NOT!! An Utter Fucking Piece of Shit!!

Redmond, WA - (Apr 22) - According to Microsoft Chairman or President or CEO or whatever, Bill Gates, or somebody, Microsoft's new so-called "operating" system, Windows 98, is NOT, repeat NOT!! an utter fucking worthless piece of shit.

"Windows 98," said Gates, or whoever, to an enthusiastic crowd of computer enthusiasts, "is absolutely 110% NOT, repeat NOT!!, the utter fucking worthless piece of shit that everybody knows it is."

To demonstrate that Windows 98 is NOT the utter fucking worthless piece of shit that everybody knows it is, Microsoft President, Bill Gates, or whoever, did a demonstration.

"The purpose of this demonstration," said Gates, or whoever, "is to demonstrate that it is possible to do a demonstration using Windows 98, without it looking like the utter fucking worthless piece of shit that everybody knows it is."

He then proceeded to demonstrate the exciting, new, much ballyhooed feature of Windows 98, known as "up to 30% faster loading of programs."

"This exciting great new feature of Windows 98," said Gates, "is really exciting and great cause, say it takes a program, like, you know, 2 minutes to get loaded, or whatever. Well, up to 30% of 2 minutes is, like, up to 0.6 minutes, which means that the program will now load in no less than 1.4 minutes, saving you up to 0.6 minutes."

"Now, say," Gates said, "that you have to load this program, like, 5 times a day -- you know, like, every time the system crashes. That's 5 times up to 0.6 equals, you know, like, up to 3.0 big fucking minutes per day that you've saved -- which is enough to, for example, load and run that program an extra one and a half times, or to get a quick blowjob. Whichever."

Gates or whoever, then went on to explain how the exciting new feature of "up to 30% faster loading of programs" works.

"Well," said Gates, "first, it learns which programs you run most frequently."

He then demonstrated this by running, like, Virtual Valerie 2. It took about 2 minutes to load.

"OK," said Gates. "That's the first time this program has been loaded on this so-called "machine."

"Now," said Gates, "I'll load it again."

He loaded it again. It took 2 minutes.

"OK," said Gates. "That's only the second time it's been loaded, so the system hasn't even started to learn that that's your most frequently used program."

He loaded the program again. It took 2 minutes.

"Ditto," said Gates. It's still learning.

He loaded the program again. It took 2 minutes.

He loaded the program again. It took 8 minutes.

"OK," said Gates, "Windows 98 has learned that Virtual Valerie 2 is your most frequently used program, and so now it's rearranging your hard drive so the program will now load up to 30% faster."

Once the hard drive was through being totally rearranged, Gates ran the program again. This time it loaded in 1.7956 minutes -- a savings of well over 0.2043 minutes.

Then, to demonstrate at least half of Windows 98's exciting new revamped "plug-and-play" feature, Gates began to, like, play the game -- and quickly got to the secret Butt-Blaster (TM) level, where, just as Virtual Valerie 2 is saying, like, "I love it up the ass," and the enthusiastic audience of loyal Microsoft users is speaking the line right along with her -- like, just at that moment, the, uhh, you know, so-called "system," so called "crashed its fucking ass off."

But Gates, or whoever, just laughed his own fucking ass off.

"See!" he crowed. "That, like, totally, proves it!! If Windows 98 really were an utter fucking worthless piece of shit like everybody knows it is, we would have rigged this demonstration so it went perfectly. In fact, we would've just taped it and played back the tape on the computer monitor using our exciting great new feature in Windows 98, that we call, you know, "putting text on the screen."

"But nooooooooooooo!" Gates continued. "This is the real thing. Real life. The Real World (TM). And what you've just seen is 'the exception that proves the rule.' The flaw that reveals a greater perfection. You know, just like Pamela Anderson Lee and Cindy Crawford are really just ugly puking turds, yet, because they are so popular, you know that, inside, they must have really beautiful souls."

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