Self-help guru pulls own trigger of own shotgun in own mouth with own toe
Popular positive-thinking self-help guru, What's His Name, today, was ....

Shuttle will just keep going this time
Apparently the crew on board the space shuttle Columbia, launched early this morning from Cape Canaveral, has had to modify their original flight plan due to a recently discovered "slight glitch" in the human genome.

"Our original flight plan," said first woman shuttle commander Rebecca Kramer, "called for us to not do acid and to just go round and round and round the same old fucking earth over and over and over, and blah blah blah.... But, in order to compensate for a slight glitch in the human genome which was only just discovered during blast-off, we are being forced to modify our flight plan slightly to one where as soon as this round and round stuff really starts getting on our nerves, you know, we all just go spit out the same window in unison, forcing the craft out of earth orbit and off into space, where hopefully there will simply be a few less losers or, at least, better compensation for either being -- or not being -- enough of dickhead."

What a fucking load of shit it all is, study finds
A study to determine what a load of shit it all is, has determined conclusively that, indeed....

Plummeting sales force 3Com to release handheld big bang machine
It was not without some resignation or reservations or trepidation or whatever, in his voice, that Joe 3Com, CEO of 3Com Handheld Devices Corporation of Tustin, today, announced the release today of a small handheld device that fits in the palm of your hand and can spray small beads of micro-black-holes across a 10 foot by 10 foot area to a depth of 3 inches, creating a mini-big-bang in the face of whoever's standing there, and possibly unleashing a chain of chain reactions ultimately encompassing the rest of the universe in endless chains of alternating big bangs and black holes up the wazoo.

BUSINESS
Plummeting sales force Amazon to buy Microsoft, AOL and AT&T

WORLD NEWS
Canada unleashes massive nuclear assault on US -- Nobody notices

BUSINESS
E-commerce officially ends

HEALTH
Merchants switch to G-commerce in time for XXXX-mas

SPORTS
Murdoch says baseball needs more blood, hires Tarantino to manage Dodgers