5 Senses OVER Sony Says; Aims New Products At Paranormal Modalities
Saying the so-called "5 senses" and their associated cognitive thingies are just so fucking OVER as a generator of bottom line income growth, Sony president, Joe Sony, today, announced a whole new line of Sony products designed to operate in the standard paranormal modalities of telepathy, precognition, and clairvoyance.

Though obviously trying to downplay its overall importance, Sony admitted that full telekinesis would not be available until the 2nd quarter of 2000, when it would be sold as an upgrade by Ticketmaster.

In conjunction with today's announcement, Sony has, for the past 6 months, been quietly test-marketing a black box that hooks into standard dreams and allows the dreamer to not return to consciousness, while converting waste cognition into enough energy to maintain the body on the nutrients available in the air, alone.

"So far," said Sony, "we still have no results from this experiment."

Exhaustive Study Validates Widely-Held "There's Just 2 Kindsa People" Theory
An exhaustive hundred-year world-wide longitudinal study has shown, conclusively, that, really, there really are just 2 kindsa people. The study validates a theory first proposed in 1955 at Oxford by Little Anthony and the Imperials, and which has gained broad popularity over the years.

The anonymous great-grand offspring of the original anonymous research team will now begin a 2nd 100-year world-wide longitudinal study to determine just exactly what the 2 kinds of people really are. Stay tuned.

McDonald's Offers Unconditional Forgiveness With Every Order of Fries
In a move that may spark a trend towards capitalism making spirituality its whole fucking value proposition, the McDonald's Corporation has begun offering unconditional forgiveness, with every order of fries.

"When you pay for your order" said McDonald's CEO, Country "Joe" McDonald, "an animatronic replica of the current Pope morphed with whoever the current number one Pop Star is, will give you unconditional forgiveness and then turn and, himself, ask an animatron of McDonald's founder Ray Croc, for unconditional forgiveness, and receive it.

The real Pope, in a co-branding arrangement with the real McDonald's, will appear in several wacky McDonald's TV spots, along with making random, unannounced appearances sitting in for the animatrons at selected McDonald's franchise locations all over the world -- so customers can never really be sure that it's not really him forgiving them.

The symbolism of "an order of fries" is, of course, not lost on the faithful.

MEDICINE
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ENTERTAINMENT
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EDUCATION
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FOOD
Heroin found to contain 100% MDR of all vitamins and minerals

TECHNOLOGY
Heroin microprocessors top 900 MHz without even trying