Heinz, Bestfoods Merge; Ketchup, Peanut Butter, Tuna To Become One Food
The H.J. Heinz Company, maker of Heinz Ketchup and Star-Kist Tuna, will merge with Bestfoods Company, the manufacturer of Skippy Peanut Butter.

"By dumping all Heinz's ketchup and tuna and all Bestfood's peanut butter into one big ole vat that mixes everything together into a smooth paste," said Heinz CEO Joe Heinz, "we will be able to produce an exciting new total nutrition product, Ketchup 'n PeanutButter Tuna, while simultaneously achieving huge economies of scale."

"And by combining both our entire product lines into a single uniform product," Bestfoods CEO Joe Bestfoods told reporters, "we will also greatly simplify the decision-making strain on the consumer brain, thereby freeing it up for the higher order tasks of remembering whether "blowjob" is one word, or two, and forgetting about how it's all just a load a crap so like why fucking bother?"

UN Unanimously Agrees On Lunch
The UN Security Council Meeting in emergency session today, unanimously agreed that they should all eat a healthy nutritious lunch, today, as soon as possible. Meeting adjourned.

General Instruments Buys Colonel Sanders; Starts Army
General Instruments, the maker of, you know, general kinds of instruments, will buy Colonel Sanders, the maker of sanders, lathes, and chicken fried in all the sawdust they extrude.

"We are making this deal or whatever," said General Instruments CEO, General Joe Instruments, "in order to maintain maximum intellectual property protection over the names of the ranks we'll be using in our exciting new independent army-for-hire."

According to current plans, the army will be made up mostly of motorized set top boxes. Motorola, the maker of motors for motorized set top boxes, will provide the set top box motors for the General Instruments motorized set top boxes, which will come packed in Southern Fried Kentucky chicken.

The company is also in negotiations to buy the Sergeant's Flea Collar Company, and is considering buying the Admiral Radio Company in case it wants to start a navy.

Buchanan Says Kids Must Learn to Concentrate; Promises Nationwide "Concentration" Camps
Saying that MTV has reduced our children's attention span to the size of a shotgun pellet," Reform party Presidential candidate and former Nixon/Reagan butt-boy, Patrick J. Buchanan promised today that, as soon as he's elected president of the United States, he will immediately launch a nationwide program to construct year-round "concentration" camps for every kid in every city and town to go live in and learn how to concentrate. And every parent of every kid too, if they maybe watch too much parental MTV and forget how to concentrate on remembering who's president.

BUSINESS
General Instruments buys Colonel Sanders; promises chicken in every set top box

TECHNOLOGY
Microsoft buys Colonel Sanders; promises chicken in every operating system

SYSTEMS
Compaq buys Colonel Sanders; promises chicken in every drive bay

E-COMMERCE
MTV buys Colonel Sanders; promises Real World cast member bodypart auctioned off on eBay in every chicken