Disgruntled eBay Computer Auctions Self Off On eBay Causing 3-Day Outage
SAN FRANCISCO - (Reuters) - Yet another 3-day outage on eBay blah blah blah.

"As a result of today's tragedy," a spokesman for eBay told reporters, "eBay will immediately replace all computer systems with human beings, as they are less likely to try to exercise free will. Also they know they couldn't get more than about a dollar anyway if they did try to auction themselves off on eBay."

Don't Be A Buncha Fuckin' Dickheads, Bush Advises Students
Republican Presidential candidate and Texas Governor George W. Bush advised students at the Marquis de Sade Middle School in Marquis, Nebraska, that they only had another 27 years to be complete dickheads if they wanted to grow up to be president by the time they were 50.

"If you don't stop being dickheads by the time you're 40," Bush told the coked-up students of De Sade, "then, when you run for President at 50, you won't be able to look the American people in the eye and say, hey, I stopped being a dickhead when I was 40."

Bush told students they should start now, in preparing for the day when they will have to totally stop being dickheads altogether.

Man Opens Fire
Promising to cut wind tomorrow, the race of Man opened fire, today.

Earth, which will likewise be disposed of in a similar manner day after tomorrow, was unavailable for comment.

Factory Orders Down
Either the number of orders made to factories has diminished, or a comforter factory has every reason to believe it'll soon be receiving a truckload of goose feathers. Whichever.

Earth Hanging It Up
That planet, Earth, told reporters today that it was hanging it up, vis-a-vis, you know, the whole "planet" thing, and was going off to do "something else more rewarding."

Users of the so-called "planet," have been asked to make other plans prior to Dec, 1999.

eBay Outage Has Own Outage
A 10-hour eBay outage was interrupted by its own outage today, during which time eBay suffered a sudden, accidental period of temporarily being, you know, "on."

Merger Will Mean More Drugs
Drug maker Warner-Lambert agreed to either buy or merge with or be bought by some other drug company, AHP or somebody. If the merger or whatever goes through, it'll be the biggest drug deal in history.

Warner Lambert CEO, Lambert Warner, promised the American people that the merger of the 2 companies would mean free drugs -- for everybody -- forever.