Atlanta, GA - (Nov 4) - Apparently there was a so-called election or something held yesterday, November 3rd, 1998. However, according to CNN, the election almost wasn't held, because when you told somebody about it, half the time they thought you were telling them about a, you know, "erection," or something, at which point they'd sorta just walk away.

An election is apparently a place where you either get out your old sheets and rags and hang them over a doorway and invite everybody in to come take a look behind it, or else you put a buncha cardboard boxes on stilts and invite everybody to come in and stick their heads inside, and then make snide jokes about them when they can't see you.

The purpose of an election is apparently to decide how much marijuana people can smoke, and if they can get free phenobarbital to commit suicide with or will they just have to use Glad Bags (TM).

Of course, if the election goes the wrong way and you just have to use Glad Bags, then anyone can come along and, while you're lying there dead and can't respond, accuse you of making some cheap ironic statement by using Glad (wink, wink) Bags, which maybe you never really meant AT ALL. So then what?

Anyway, here are the results of the election:

1) It is now illegal to smoke more than a pound of marijuana per day.

2) Sorry, but you have to use a Glad Bag if you wanna commit suicide in Arizona.

This election was also unique because the guy who sits in an underground bunker and waits to push the nuclear button, kinda passed out drunk, at work, one day (fortunately only hitting the "warm-up engines" button and completely missing the "LAUNCH UNCONDITIONALLY!!" button by several angstroms), and so they had to elect somebody currently sober to take his place. And, according to the Supreme Court, this person had to be either George "The Animal" Steele, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, or "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.

Unfortunately, this part of the election is still, so-called "too close to call," according to Secretary of State, Bret "the Hit Man" Hart.