Will Dole Drop Out? - Yes!
Will Clinton Drop Out? - Yes!

Will Perot Drop Acid? -- No!

By Umberto Umberto
(9596 words; posted Sept. 24, 1996; to be read Sept. 24, 1999)

Despite a record post-convention bounce that raised not only his numbers but, more significantly, his spirits, Bob Dole, according to insiders, appears to be back in the sour mood he was in before the convention, thus sparking, once more, the speculation that he could drop out of the race "any day now." At the same time, rumors persist that Jack Kemp is already in the process of choosing his VP running mate from a pool of well-qualified Black Jewish-Hispanic Lesbians, and plans to run this ticket to the far left of Clinton.

One source, formerly with the campaign but now at the Washington Times, blames Dole's renewed despondency, to a large degree, on the unexpected collapse in July, of a carefully thought-out strategy.

ccording to this source, Dole was planning to chose Congressman Sonny Bono as his running mate and bill himself as the "Reunion President," promising a huge Sonny and Cher reunion concert to kick off his presidency, followed, almost immediately, by an endless string of reunion concerts by major supergroups like the Benny Goodman Orchestra, the Andrews Sisters, the Four Freshmen, Jane's Addiction, and Bread, to name just a few. The idea was that this new Golden Age of Reunions, of old groups coming back together, would, in turn, bring the people of the nation back together again, like one big national supergroup getting together again for one more last jam session and reunion tour and double live CD.

Unfortunately, the idea had to be scrapped just minutes before the official announcement was made, when Cher suddenly backed out because, in her words, "Sonny's just being a major fucking asshole to me."

he Clinton campaign, meanwhile, had its own problems, as reports kept surfacing of children all over the country coming forward and claiming Bill Clinton as their biological father. Behind closed doors, Republicans were rumored to be putting together legislation to force the President to undergo testing that would determine the merit of the charges, but so far, none of the accusers has brought forth any compelling evidence of Clinton's guilt. According to our source, Republican analysts believe Clinton is on a personal crusade to procreate hundreds of thousands of fatherless children, in order to necessitate massive new social programs, thus creating new excuses for more massive new taxes, and allowing him to create a huge new government bureaucracy, dedicated to the singled-minded goal of tracking him down 100,000 different times, and making him pay 100,000 different child support settlements.

n the Perot camp, sources tell us that Ross is extremely disappointed that his choice of Madonna as a running mate hasn't raised any noticeable support from young voters. Apparently Ross's advisors failed to mention that, despite her saturation media attention, Madonna's actual fans tend to fall between the ages of 8 and 12 and, though certainly young, they are in most cases barely halfway to being voters.

Umberto Umberto is really the pseudonym of an author who wishes to remain anonymous, but who can not now sign himself "Anonymous," for fear of being assumed to be Joe Klein. He briefly toyed with the idea of calling himself Joe Klein, since that name is now more synonymous with "anonymous" than even anonymous is, but as you can see, decided against it. He toured briefly (as keyboardist) with the Paul Revere and the Raiders Reunion Tour and appears on the live CD of it, "Still Hungry for Kicks".

Illustrations by Country Joe and the BlowFish

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