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Introduction by Anna Nicole Smith The people listed on this page have recently scanned your hard drive and email and, as a result of their analysis, have determined that your attempts to access the requested content/document(s) must be denied at the present time.

In the following pages we have compiled the reasons given by each person, over the course of a week, as to why you should not have access to this (these) file(s).
-- Anna Nicole Smith

"One day, all the shills in the world will be gathered up and placed together in the large empty cargo bay of a UPS truck."
-- Alexis de Tocqueville

"When I try to visualize the '96 presidential debates, the only image that comes to mind is one of a half-filled balloon trying to argue with a plate of jello."
-- Anna Nicole Smith

"Hey, by the time you're 80, the credit limit on your Mastercard should be like 40 or 50K -- so the last year of your life, you can basically live for free."
-- John Stuart Mill

"Sex is nothing. Culture is nothing. History is nothing. So why fucking bother?"
-- Cokie Roberts

"Politics is bullshit. Economics is bullshit. Give me free nude celebrity bodyparts any day."
-- Sam Donaldson (coming down from speed)

What is the Committee Saying About You?

Moderator: Anna Nicole Smith
Anna Nicole Smith: is currently president of Harvard and Princeton Universities, and commutes twice weekly to Stanford where she teachers a course entitled, "Money Walks, Money Talks." Her ideas have been at the root of many new scientific disciplines and have led to the establishment of many new research institutes and have been embodied in much recent legislation.

John Malone
John Malone: is best known as the subject of the Samuel Beckett novel, Malone Dies, but he is also president of TeleCommunications Inc and owns enough cable systems to single-handedly decide which stations will exist and which won't, and thus essentially controls about 50% of what's inside your fucking head. Is it any wonder Beckett wants to get rid of this guy?

Alexis de Tocqueville
Alexis de Tocqueville lives in Arizona and, as you've no doubt noticed, has an outstanding publicist. He is best know for founding the nation's foremost retirement home for hard-core pot smokers, "De Tokeville."

William Bennett
William Bennett is one righteous dude. He is as pure as the driven snow, and is profoundly qualified to judge all human activity as it relates to righteousness. I mean, this guy's hotshot lawyer brother tells him lots of dope about his enemies, but Bill will rarely ever let much of it accidentally slip out in public in front of a crowd of reporters. And if you're thinkin', yeah but what about Gluttony -- isn't that like a vice? Well, so what? After a hard day of defending virtue, a man's entitled to, you know, chow down a bit.

Sonny Bono
Sonny Bono: has been and done just about everything there is to be and do, from Pop star to mayor to Congressman -- but most important of all, he took a wide-eyed 16 year old girl and turned her into the nation's most enduring cultural icon. Currently he is working on doing the same for Bob Dole -- though it's unclear if he'll continue once he learns that Bob Dole is neither 16 years old, nor a girl.

Mussolini Reagan
Mussolini Reagan: is a California-based garage band specializing in a mix of late 40's underground doo-wop and early 80's power pop. Their long distance service provider is AT&T and their Gas & Electric provider is PG&E. Additional information about them can be obtained under the freedom of information act.