The Horse Race
The Ho's Race charts who the biggest ho' is this week using 3 demographic groups: 1) pissed-off people (we use primarily the AOL/Microsoft list of pissed-off people determined by clandestine scans of their hard drives while connected online); 2) bummed out people; 3) raving psychopaths (who, time after time, have been shown to "know best" -- their judgments are justified and analyzed below.)

The Survey of Raving Psychopaths is a project of the Sonny and Cher College of Business Administration. These are real psychopaths, with real psychoses and neuroses, and would blow your head, clean off. We follow them through their daily routine and interpret their minor quirks as tip-offs to cosmic events just down the road. The thesis of this survey is that not only is politics bullshit, and not only does everybody know it's bullshit, but, further, everybody knows that everybody knows and so everybody's just pretending so they can have something to care about in between sex and drugs and cosmic insights. Though, of course, there's still always the sloppy spectacle of the Indy-500/WWF clash of titan egos at the end of the show, to bring hearts and minds through the turnstiles. But, you be the judge. For more information, or to invest, visit the Psychopathic Research Associates site.

Starting soon, "The Ho's Race" will also include the opinions of people who "just don't give a shit."

NOTE: Because we are dealing with psychopaths and pissed-off and bummed-out people here, the votes just don't add up. Rest assured that our crack team of statisticians (or our team of statisticians on crack, I forget which) are working round the clock to see that 1 + 1 + 1 equals 3 again, as quickly as possible. In the meantime, please feel free to blow yourselves.

Pissed-Off People, 9/20/96
On Acid On Speed
Dole Clinton Dole Clinton
Drunk 43.6% 53.3% 36.1% 58.7%
On the Wagon 41.9% 53.7% 31.1% 64.5%
Bummed Out People on Crack
Clinton: 65%, up 6 points from last week
Dole: 32%, down 4 points from last week
Perot: 2%, no change

he graphs above show that the race only gets more blurred each week, and pretty much nobody can tell who the biggest ho' is, not even psychopaths.

But one thing is clear. Dole does significantly better with pissed-off voters on Acid than he does with pissed-off voters on speed. Obviously, the Republicans need to make a major effort to get everyone (especially automatic weapons owners) to wake up and drop Acid first thing, on election day. Who knows, offering free rides to the polls in Ken Kesey's Merry Prankster bus, and providing free, uhhh, Kool Aid, along the way, might just be enough to tip the vote in Dole's favor.

-- Woody Harrelson & Woody Allen

Woody Harrelson & Woody Allen co-founded and edited The New Republic, and are the co-authors of a forthcoming book, "That Abortion, Politics."

Previous Ho's Race columns