It's appointed beloved aging porn star Ron Jeremy to be Secretary of Stimulus Packages -- a cabinet post created just for him, in the hopes that he can work his porno magic on the ailing economy through maybe, you know, some kinda back door thing, or wherever.

Looking a little obviously wasted from obviously all that constant porno sex, Jeremy spoke before a joint session of World Congress 6.3 and immediately put forward his bold new stimulus package: poison-tipped, brightly colored translucent dildoes.

"Poison-tipped, brightly-colored translucent dildoes distributed to every man woman and child on earth free of charge at a deeply discounted cost of 1.3 trillion dollars to World Government 4.2," he told world Congress 6.3, "will allow the people of the earth to now look the end of the world straight in the eye with their anuses and say, Up Yours, end of the world."

"Because," he continued, "by sticking these dildoes deep up their asses and dying with big sick smiles on their faces, the people of the earth will be literally telling the end of the world that they're still in control of their own lives and that the end of the world, no matter how many cataclysms and catastrophes and apocalypses it throws at them, can't have their immortal souls.

"And," he concluded, "you can take it from me, aging porn star Ron Jeremy -- I have never seen a dildo fail -- and so I can promise you, we will all die with our human dignity intact -- regardless of whether or not the end of the world even gives a shit."

ACID

   TODAY'S TDP

   3.3.09
     INVASION
      BANKRUPTCY
      RELIGION
      DILDOES
      SONO
      COFLOW
      DIRT