ATTACK? OF THE HDTV ALIENS!
Despite being a fucking mess, HDTV has inadvertently raised the existential question of "Who's an invading outer space alien and who isn't?".Presented as evidence in his trial, footage from the Google Secure-Cam® in Mr. Lavinci's livingroom told a more subtle, more nuanced story.
The footage showed Mr. Lavinci, ass firmly planted in sofa, obsessively watching endless hours of non-HDTV shows in wide screen mode on his 50" Lucerne LCD TV.
A series of expert witnesses with overlapping but not equivalent multi-disciplinary titles like Cognitive Marine Biologist and Economic Psycho-Physicist, were then called to attest to how Mr. Lavinci's perceptions were modified by this TV viewing practice, which is common to most Americans since so few of their channels are actually HD, but they expect them to be, and so watch them in wide screen mode anyway.
"Mr. Lavinci," testified Animal Neuro-psychopharmacologist Angel Michelo, "was so accustomed to people with wide heads being the norm, that when he went into the actual physical world, the normal people appeared all squashed sideways, compared to what he was used to."
A subsequent witness, apocalyptic psycho-meteorologist, Johnny "Spruce" Bringstein, testified that, given this, and given the extreme pressures of the global economic collapse and coming end of the world, it was a perfectly natural act to mistake everyday average people for invading outer space aliens come to pick over the remains of our dying world, and to go on a 12-state killing spree with your arsenal of end-of-the-world-ready weaponry in the sincere attempt to eliminate them all and save the human race.
Case closed.
THE
4.23.09
HDTV COPS