ARE THERE BETTER EVOLUTIONS?
Can everything really not have to suck? Are there other universes where evolution works differently? Are we stuck with a lame evolution that only gets 1 star on a scale of 5?Well, today, most likely in an effort to prove he's the good kind of psycho, not the bad kind of psycho, he single-handedly passed the Free Guns For Everybody Act of 2012, which, as the name implies, will provide Free Guns to all people of all ages, races, nationalities and genders, any place, any time, no questions asked.
And, despite being accused of it often because of his many Nobel Prizes and Grammys, he was able to get this act passed without knowing a single thing about politics or having a single connection to anyone anywhere. He simply stated his case and it democratically rose to the top of the heap or ant hill known as the wisdom of crowds.
"If you give everybody free guns," he'd argued persuasively to packed houses across the country in town after town, city after city, "then everybody will solve the problem of everybody else, themselves."
And the people in the packed rooms usually broke into wild applause and smashed their chairs against the walls in agreement.
"Our real enemy," he argued, once they quieted down again, "is evolution. Not whether it exists or not. But whether it sucks or not. And it does. Yeah!"
"But is it possible for evolution not to suck?" someone from the audience would always ask. "And are the stories about other universes where evolution doesn't suck, just urban myth?"
"And that's exactly why we have to give free guns to everybody," he always responded -- which only made everybody agree even more, but now they had nothing left to smash against the walls except themselves, so, instead, they formed angry mobs and forced World Congress to pass his either totally cool or totally moronic free guns for everybody bill.
THE
5.20.09
FREE GUNS
