UTIO
NS! TETSUO: THE IRON MAN
CLOSING DIALOGUE Title: Tetsuo: The Iron Man
Date: 1989
Time: 67 minutes
Director: Shinya Tsukamoto
Cast:
Anthony Bevilacqua
Kei Fujiwara
Lia Nickson
Tomorowo Taguchi
Markus Greiner
Nobu Kanaoko
Shinya Tsukamoto
TOO BIG TO SUCK?
Pynch Thomason, a New Jersey first grader, was doing a Google search for Chan-Wook Park, his favorite director, and getting crappy results when, on a crazy whim, he tried a different search engine -- and was shocked to see far far better results. Or at least, Google's results sucked so bad that any random search engine looked really great by comparison.
Thomason immediately went and told his parents, but they just smiled and patted him on the head and said some patronizing thing like well maybe for a 6 year old it sucks.
He tried to tell his friends, but their response was pretty much the same. Everybody knew Google had the best search engine. Charlie Rose said so.
Eventually, however, Thomason got on his mySpace and faceBook pages where he self-profiles as a 37-year old senior programmer at a large corporation, and within five minutes of his posting a brief note on the issue, Google usage plummeted to near zero as did, a half hour later, its stock and, 15 minutes later, the US market and, an hour later, all world markets.
World Government 10.65 responded by saying that there are some really good deals out there now, and everybody should go out and buy.
World Government 10.66, which replaced World Government 10.65, enhanced this utterance by suggesting that maybe this isn't really a tragedy at all, but rather it's an opportunity -- an opportunity to start fresh and not have any further down to go. And all it'll take to fix the lack of any further up to go, is just another lie.
NO MORE F-ING DRUG NAMES?
"We needed a name for our next blockbuster drug," said Pfizer president Seymour Glass. "It's a drug that has massive demand potential and could save millions of lives every year because it makes erections that have lasted more than 3 hours not last 4, so a doctor doesn't need to be called in to REALLY fuck things up.
"But," the president went on to explain, "when we fed the information about the new drug into our vast network of supercomputers, and asked for a name for it, the computers just churned for hours, eventually overheating and burning down the rooms they were in."
Pfizer, however, a company that never gives up no matter what, simply farmed the project out to Google's Cloud Computing thingy, but after Google's cloud exploded, some researchers at the Large Hadron Collider with lots of time on their hands since their piece of shit collider will never be allowed to actually function since if it does, it'll fail to find the Higgs Boson proving theoretical physics to be a total utter fucking fairy tale, did some long division and determined that the super computers and clouds are blowing up because there are ABSOLUTELY NO MORE creepy names left for the next new worthless piece of shit drug company drug.
Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed at Pfizer and throughout the industry, and at a meeting concluded just moments ago, the drug companies agreed to name all future drugs with the same totally cool name: "Just Shut the Fuck Up and Swallow, Ya Fuckin' Sicko Loser".
"Ultimately," said Glass, "it doesn't really matter WHAT drug you take. They're all made with interlocking side effects so, if you want to think you feel normal, you'll have to fucking take them ALL."
GRAND THEFT ARTO
Co-Chief Justices, Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi and Joey "Jaws" Chestnut announced the appointment of Warhol today, followed by a lightning round hot dog eating contest between the two of them.
"We are appointing Warhol President," said Kobayashi, wiping the mustard off his chin after the contest, "because of popular demand -- or at least we're getting lots of emails, IMs and tweets from former squeaky clean Disney teen idols who wanna break from the past by doing something edgy with an old master edgemaster and who's older and edgier and masterer than old edgy Andy Warhol."
Warhol is being appointed president apparently not only to give former squeaky clean teen idols a shot at being like all edgy an' shit by being appointed to his cabinet, but because the 6.5 billion people of the world know they are about to fall of the cliff at the end of the world and they all want their fucking 15 minutes of fucking fame and they all want it fucking NOW!
"It was Warhol who promised us that we'd all be famous before we died," said one enraged citizen who asked to please not remain anonymous, "and so now that we're all gonna die in the end of the world, Warhol better fucking deliver."
Once president, Warhol's continued failure to "deliver", the citizen asserted, "just might lead to his reassessment as a so-called artist -- and in these difficult times, the reassessment team just might not continue ranking him much above the guys who painted my garage, or Hitler."
GRAMM SCORES
"By being totally responsible for the Global Economic Apocalypse," the chairman of iFotM Corp said, "Gramm is also directly responsible for the coming fall of civilization and the end of the human race itself, which is really one of the coolest business models anyone has ever come up with. 'Hey, got a planet or species you wanna' terminate? We've got a track record that can't be beat, and some real cool videos from out last job.'" For being the greatest entrepreneur of all time, Gramm has been awarded relocation to a distant island and a protection squad to keep off the angry mobs who've been hunting him for months through the rugged Texas back country.
The mobs apparently represent the ad hoc Supreme Court of the World which has charged Gramm with the same heinous crime the International Flavor of the Month Corporation has just named him Entrepreneur of the Millennium for.
According to the Court's Chief Justice, the penalty for being the corporate butt-boy who started the end of the world for all the wrong reasons, is to be locked in a room full of loudspeakers blaring the robot-voiced text-to-speech translations of the endless final Twitter tweets of every last one of the 6.5 billion people of the earth, going down. HEALTH SAVED!! To deal with the enormous wave of sickness and partially unsuccessful mass homicides and suicides brought on by the coming end of the world and the collapse of human civilization, World Government 10, today, announced a totally new "health care system" to replace the crappy old failed one. Under the new system, doctors and hospitals will be eliminated and replaced by out-of-work actors wearing the most expensive clothes in the world, driving the most ostentatious cars and having constant sex with top models from all 11 genders. As a result of these displays, these new "post"-doctors will have the total respect and worship of all people and will therefore be able to easily elicit the placebo effect from their patients, thus curing disease, stress and psychological disorder at a far higher rate than medicines or medical procedures and with no cost or side effects. To avoid job loss, since health insurance will now no longer be needed, the health insurance industry will rename itself "The Blackmail Industry", in order to more accurately reflect its truth, and will stop wasting its time on bogus forms and formulas and will simply go door to door, demanding $10,000 a year from everybody on earth -- or else. simply go door to door, demanding $10,000 a year from everybody on earth -- or else. HEALTH SAVED!! To deal with the enormous wave of sickness and partially unsuccessful mass homicides and suicides brought on by the coming end of the world and the collapse of human civilization, World Government 10, today, announced a totally new "health care system" to replace the crappy old failed one. Under the new system, doctors and hospitals will be eliminated and replaced by out-of-work actors wearing the most expensive clothes in the world, driving the most ostentatious cars and having constant sex with top models from all 11 genders. As a result of these displays, these new "post"-doctors will have the total respect and worship of all people and will therefore be able to easily elicit the placebo effect from their patients, thus curing disease, stress and psychological disorder at a far higher rate than medicines or medical procedures and with no cost or side effects. To avoid job loss, since health insurance will now no longer be needed, the health insurance industry will rename itself "The Blackmail Industry", in order to more accurately reflect its truth, and will stop wasting its time on bogus forms and formulas and will simply go door to door, demanding $10,000 a year from everybody on earth -- or else.
But I wanted so much more, I got exodus damage bleed, Could not commit Some things I'll never be
So now we're talking about this I'm starting to lose my confidence. No one ever says a word about So much that happens in the world
Dance Dance Revolution All we're gonna get Unless it falls apart. So I say: go, go, go, go down, Let it fall down, I'm ready for the end.
So the second plane hit at 9:02 I saw it live on a hotel T.V. Talking on my cell with you You said this would happen And just like that, it did Wrong about the feeling Wrong about the sound But right to say we would stand down An hour went by without a fighter in the sky You said there's a reason why So tell me now, I must confess I'm not sick enough to guess
Dance Dance Revolution All we're gonna get Unless it falls apart. So I say: go, go, go, go down, Let it fall down, I'm ready for the end.
So you hope that one person Could solve everything And for me, that's you Sometimes that dream Is a sad delusion But sometimes it's true
So now we're talking about this I'm starting to lose my confidence No one ever says a word about So much that happens in the world
Dance Dance Revolution All we re gonna get Unless it falls apart So I say: go, go, go, go down, Let it fall down, I'm ready for the end. A: Ah... I feel great.
B: How about turning the whole world into metal? You and me.
A: Sure.
B: And we can rust the whole world... and scatter it into the dust of the universe.
A: Sounds like fun.
B:Our love can put an end to this fucking world.
B: Let's go get 'em!
SOL
UTIO
NS!
TETSUO: THE IRON MAN
CLOSING DIALOGUE
Title: Tetsuo: The Iron Man
Date: 1989
Time: 67 minutes
Director: Shinya Tsukamoto
Cast:
Anthony Bevilacqua
Kei Fujiwara
Lia Nickson
Tomorowo Taguchi
Markus Greiner
Nobu Kanaoko
Shinya Tsukamoto
THE
3.3.09
INVASION
BANKRUPTCY
RELIGION
DILDOES
SONO
COFLOW
DIRT
1. Out of solidarity with the current plight of daily newspapers around the country, The Daily 'Pocalypse will not publish daily, either.
2. The articles in The Daily 'Pocalypse are intended as satire to lighten the burden of the current world tragedy by joking about its most extreme possible outcomes. Should, however, these satirically extreme outcomes actually come to pass, thus making them prophecy (or, a new literary form: prophesatire), we hereby disclaim the existence of all causality, anywhere, ever. Being, after all, is an infinitely simultaneous, massively Boolean, algorithm, which only consciousness breaks into tiny little pieces, called time or photons, and which only cognition erroneously and evolution out of necessity, perceive in causal terms.