UTIO
NS! TETSUO: THE IRON MAN
CLOSING DIALOGUE Title: Tetsuo: The Iron Man
Date: 1989
Time: 67 minutes
Director: Shinya Tsukamoto
Cast:
Anthony Bevilacqua
Kei Fujiwara
Lia Nickson
Tomorowo Taguchi
Markus Greiner
Nobu Kanaoko
Shinya Tsukamoto
HARDEST WORKING MAN ALIVE
Celebrity status will of course allow each person on earth, in these final days, to be ooohed and ahhhed at by all the other people of the world, in between him ooohing and ahhhing back at them because they are rightfully celebrities too.
It will also allow him to demand and receive anything he wants anytime he wants.
It will also allow him to make everybody listen to the story of what a piece of shit childhood he had. It will allow him to get heavy into drugs, man.
It will allow him to get totally shit-faced and be a total fucking asshole and still be "loved" by saintly giving caring unselfish attractive people.
And then it will allow him to go to Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and all the other cool celebrities and to be more totally self-indulgent than he has ever been allowed to be at any other time in his life.
And, just before his glorious hallowed time is up at Celebrity Rehab and he has to go back out into the world to make a short failed attempt at sobriety before going immediately to Celebrity Rehab 7 or Sober House 6, the world ends.
So everyone on earth gets to die at the high point of her life.
And the world has a happy, fucking ending, after all. OK?
APOCALYPSE NOT!
The announcement followed on the release of The Government Task Force On Solving The Total Collapse Of Civilization And The Coming End Of The World's final report late last night.
Despite coming at a time when the poor have already all been eaten and the once rich are now reduced to cleaning their own toilets, or worse, the report appears to be surprisingly optimistic.
The task force, consisting entirely of former celebrities who've been has beens more than twice (e.g. the has beens who re-became has beens again after a stint on Celebrity Rehab, and then became has beens for a 3rd time, shortly after their careers were briefly re-revitalized by appearing on Sober House) has concluded that the only way to save the government is to nationalize it and that only government has the resources to do this and, therefore, the government will have to be nationalized by none other than the government, itself. (Not to mention, by definition.)
According to the report, by nationalizing itself, the government will initiate an infinite recursive loop whereby, in order to handle the burden of nationalizing itself, it'll have to nationalize itself, as will its new nationalizer self have to be nationalized by itself, and so on. And by being in an infinite recursive loop of ignorance and unknowing like this, the new government and by extension the human race, will insure that it never stops having a field down which to kick the ball just a little further, just one more time.
Right?
TOO BIG TO SUCK?
Pynch Thomason, a New Jersey first grader, was doing a Google search for Chan-Wook Park, his favorite director, and getting crappy results when, on a crazy whim, he tried a different search engine -- and was shocked to see far far better results. Or at least, Google's results sucked so bad that any random search engine looked really great by comparison.
Thomason immediately went and told his parents, but they just smiled and patted him on the head and said some patronizing thing like well maybe for a 6 year old it sucks.
He tried to tell his friends, but their response was pretty much the same. Everybody knew Google had the best search engine. Charlie Rose said so.
Eventually, however, Thomason got on his mySpace and faceBook pages where he self-profiles as a 37-year old senior programmer at a large corporation, and within five minutes of his posting a brief note on the issue, Google usage plummeted to near zero as did, a half hour later, its stock and, 15 minutes later, the US market and, an hour later, all world markets.
World Government 10.65 responded by saying that there are some really good deals out there now, and everybody should go out and buy.
World Government 10.66, which replaced World Government 10.65, enhanced this utterance by suggesting that maybe this isn't really a tragedy at all, but rather it's an opportunity -- an opportunity to start fresh and not have any further down to go. And all it'll take to fix the lack of any further up to go, is just another lie.
NO MORE F-ING DRUG NAMES?
"We needed a name for our next blockbuster drug," said Pfizer president Seymour Glass. "It's a drug that has massive demand potential and could save millions of lives every year because it makes erections that have lasted more than 3 hours not last 4, so a doctor doesn't need to be called in to REALLY fuck things up.
"But," the president went on to explain, "when we fed the information about the new drug into our vast network of supercomputers, and asked for a name for it, the computers just churned for hours, eventually overheating and burning down the rooms they were in."
Pfizer, however, a company that never gives up no matter what, simply farmed the project out to Google's Cloud Computing thingy, but after Google's cloud exploded, some researchers at the Large Hadron Collider with lots of time on their hands since their piece of shit collider will never be allowed to actually function since if it does, it'll fail to find the Higgs Boson proving theoretical physics to be a total utter fucking fairy tale, did some long division and determined that the super computers and clouds are blowing up because there are ABSOLUTELY NO MORE creepy names left for the next new worthless piece of shit drug company drug.
Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed at Pfizer and throughout the industry, and at a meeting concluded just moments ago, the drug companies agreed to name all future drugs with the same totally cool name: "Just Shut the Fuck Up and Swallow, Ya Fuckin' Sicko Loser".
"Ultimately," said Glass, "it doesn't really matter WHAT drug you take. They're all made with interlocking side effects so, if you want to think you feel normal, you'll have to fucking take them ALL." HEALTH SAVED!! To deal with the enormous wave of sickness and partially unsuccessful mass homicides and suicides brought on by the coming end of the world and the collapse of human civilization, World Government 10, today, announced a totally new "health care system" to replace the crappy old failed one. Under the new system, doctors and hospitals will be eliminated and replaced by out-of-work actors wearing the most expensive clothes in the world, driving the most ostentatious cars and having constant sex with top models from all 11 genders. As a result of these displays, these new "post"-doctors will have the total respect and worship of all people and will therefore be able to easily elicit the placebo effect from their patients, thus curing disease, stress and psychological disorder at a far higher rate than medicines or medical procedures and with no cost or side effects. To avoid job loss, since health insurance will now no longer be needed, the health insurance industry will rename itself "The Blackmail Industry", in order to more accurately reflect its truth, and will stop wasting its time on bogus forms and formulas and will simply go door to door, demanding $10,000 a year from everybody on earth -- or else. simply go door to door, demanding $10,000 a year from everybody on earth -- or else. HEALTH SAVED!! To deal with the enormous wave of sickness and partially unsuccessful mass homicides and suicides brought on by the coming end of the world and the collapse of human civilization, World Government 10, today, announced a totally new "health care system" to replace the crappy old failed one. Under the new system, doctors and hospitals will be eliminated and replaced by out-of-work actors wearing the most expensive clothes in the world, driving the most ostentatious cars and having constant sex with top models from all 11 genders. As a result of these displays, these new "post"-doctors will have the total respect and worship of all people and will therefore be able to easily elicit the placebo effect from their patients, thus curing disease, stress and psychological disorder at a far higher rate than medicines or medical procedures and with no cost or side effects. To avoid job loss, since health insurance will now no longer be needed, the health insurance industry will rename itself "The Blackmail Industry", in order to more accurately reflect its truth, and will stop wasting its time on bogus forms and formulas and will simply go door to door, demanding $10,000 a year from everybody on earth -- or else.
But I wanted so much more, I got exodus damage bleed, Could not commit Some things I'll never be
So now we're talking about this I'm starting to lose my confidence. No one ever says a word about So much that happens in the world
Dance Dance Revolution All we're gonna get Unless it falls apart. So I say: go, go, go, go down, Let it fall down, I'm ready for the end.
So the second plane hit at 9:02 I saw it live on a hotel T.V. Talking on my cell with you You said this would happen And just like that, it did Wrong about the feeling Wrong about the sound But right to say we would stand down An hour went by without a fighter in the sky You said there's a reason why So tell me now, I must confess I'm not sick enough to guess
Dance Dance Revolution All we're gonna get Unless it falls apart. So I say: go, go, go, go down, Let it fall down, I'm ready for the end.
So you hope that one person Could solve everything And for me, that's you Sometimes that dream Is a sad delusion But sometimes it's true
So now we're talking about this I'm starting to lose my confidence No one ever says a word about So much that happens in the world
Dance Dance Revolution All we re gonna get Unless it falls apart So I say: go, go, go, go down, Let it fall down, I'm ready for the end. A: Ah... I feel great.
B: How about turning the whole world into metal? You and me.
A: Sure.
B: And we can rust the whole world... and scatter it into the dust of the universe.
A: Sounds like fun.
B:Our love can put an end to this fucking world.
B: Let's go get 'em!
SOL
UTIO
NS!
TETSUO: THE IRON MAN
CLOSING DIALOGUE
Title: Tetsuo: The Iron Man
Date: 1989
Time: 67 minutes
Director: Shinya Tsukamoto
Cast:
Anthony Bevilacqua
Kei Fujiwara
Lia Nickson
Tomorowo Taguchi
Markus Greiner
Nobu Kanaoko
Shinya Tsukamoto
THE
PAST TDPS
4.9.09
NATIONALIZE
3.3.09
INVASION
BANKRUPTCY
RELIGION
DILDOES
SONO
COFLOW
DIRT
1. Out of solidarity with the current plight of daily newspapers around the country, The Daily 'Pocalypse will not publish daily, either.
2. The articles in The Daily 'Pocalypse are intended as satire to lighten the burden of the current world tragedy by joking about its most extreme possible outcomes. Should, however, these satirically extreme outcomes actually come to pass, thus making them prophecy (or, a new literary form: prophesatire), we hereby disclaim the existence of all causality, anywhere, ever. Being, after all, is an infinitely simultaneous, massively Boolean, algorithm, which only consciousness breaks into tiny little pieces, called time or photons, and which only cognition erroneously and evolution out of necessity, perceive in causal terms.