ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE
ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE
CATCH THE COOL FINAL DAYS OF MAN
WE ARE THE PISSED
Billions of people worldwide are taking to the streets to express how fucking pissed they are at anything that will listen to them.
Billions of Enraged People March
Against, Uhhh, You Know, Whatever
Like Banks, Angry Mobs Now Too Big To Fail
Around the world, billions of people marched in groups of hundreds and thousands against their governments, banks, and businesses, for reasons no one could articulate but everybody knew they sure were royally pissed about something.
"Ohhh, we are just sooo pissed," a marcher said, and his sentiments were echoed by everyone you asked.
But the marchers and rioters were even more pissed when they got to their destinations and found that the scumbags they were marching against weren't even there -- because they were already themselves out marching in huge unruly mobs against whatever THEY were just sooooo fucking pissed at, too.
OK, so forget the fat cats. What about those damn insects? Because, even with the world ending, the damn
fucking insects just aren't letting up. They just won't stop doing their annoying,
obnoxious insect things that we keep telling them to grow up and stop doing.
You'd think with all their sensitive feelers, they'd know that everything's over and it's time to think outside their self-serving little insect box, and join us in living in peace and harmony for at least these final days of the world.
We are life, you fucking insects. We are the great experiment. Without us there would be no such thing as matter or mass -- we make quantum uncertainty into something that fantasy Parallel universes and fairy tale Higgs Bosons can't.
But without you joining us in love and harmony or, in the absence of that, without you giving us an easy way to exterminate you, an angry mob is left with no other choice but to, in the interest of a harmonious and peaceful end of the world,
just get shit-faced and break up into small, angry poker games.
HARDEST WORKING MAN ALIVE
Dr. Drew is ready to save the entire population of the world when they show up at his Los Wherever Rehab Center to celebrity self-indulge their asses off.
World Government 13 Ordains
6.5 Billion New Celebrities
So EVERYBODY Gets FREE Celebrity Rehab
With a stroke of the pen, World Government 13.3 President Carlos William Williams has officially turned each man, woman, and child on earth into one flaming red hot celebrity -- a status they will now hold until the coming end of the world, at which point everything becomes way too moot to matter anymore, anyway.
Celebrity status will of course allow each person on earth, in these final days, to be ooohed and ahhhed at by all the other people of the world, in between him ooohing and ahhhing back at them because they are rightfully celebrities too.
It will also allow him to demand and receive anything he wants anytime he wants.
It will also allow him to make everybody listen to the story of what a piece of shit childhood he had.
It will allow him to get heavy into drugs, man.
It will allow him to get totally shit-faced and be a total fucking asshole and still be "loved" by saintly giving caring unselfish attractive people.
And then it will allow him to go to Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and all the other cool celebrities and to be more totally self-indulgent than he has ever been allowed to be at any other time in his life.
And, just before his glorious hallowed time is up at Celebrity Rehab and he has to go back out into the world to make a short failed attempt at sobriety before going immediately to Celebrity Rehab 7 or Sober House 6, the world ends.
So everyone on earth gets to die at the high point of her life.
And the world has a happy, fucking ending, after all. OK?
APOCALYPSE NOT!
A government task force has just released a report that neatly solves the whole problem of the world ending and all that apocalyptic stuff using just a neat math trick.
Government To Nationalize SELF!
Being Stuck In Infinite Recursive
Loop Now Last Best Hope of Man
Saying that Nationalizing things like banks and automobile industries was for utter fucking losers, World Government 12.6 Chairman, Whit Waltman, announced today that his government was not an utter fucking loser and would therefore nationalize the only cool thing left on earth: ITSELF.
The announcement followed on the release of The Government Task Force On Solving The Total Collapse Of Civilization And The Coming End Of The World's final report late last night.
Despite coming at a time when the poor have already all been eaten and the once rich are now reduced to cleaning their own toilets, or worse, the report appears to be surprisingly optimistic.
The task force, consisting entirely of former celebrities who've been has beens more than twice (e.g. the has beens who re-became has beens again after a stint on Celebrity Rehab, and
then became has beens for a 3rd time, shortly after their careers were briefly re-revitalized by appearing on Sober House) has concluded that the only way to save the government is to nationalize it and that only government has the resources to do this and, therefore, the government will have to be nationalized by none other than the government, itself. (Not to mention, by definition.)
According to the report, by nationalizing itself, the government will initiate an infinite recursive loop whereby, in order to handle the burden of nationalizing itself, it'll have to nationalize itself, as will its new nationalizer self have to be nationalized by itself, and so on. And by being in an infinite recursive loop of ignorance and unknowing like this, the new government and by extension the human race, will insure that it never stops having a field down which to kick the ball just a little further, just one more time.
Right?
TOO BIG TO SUCK?
With Google the last and only profitable company on earth, does the human race now have too dangerous a reliance on the Search engine company NOT sucking?
6 Year Old Accidentally Notices
Google's Search Engine Sucks
Google Stock Falls to 0; World Markets Follow
Google, the last profitable company on earth, declared bankruptcy today shortly after a 6-year-old boy accidentally noticed that its search engine "really really SUCKS!"
Pynch Thomason, a New Jersey first grader, was doing a Google search for Chan-Wook Park, his favorite director, and getting crappy results when, on a crazy whim, he tried a different search engine -- and was shocked to see far far better results. Or at least, Google's results sucked so bad that any random search engine looked really great by comparison.
Thomason immediately went and told his parents, but they just smiled and patted him on the head and said some patronizing thing like well maybe for a 6 year old it sucks.
He tried to tell his friends, but their response was pretty much the same. Everybody knew Google had the best
search engine. Charlie Rose said so.
Eventually, however, Thomason got on his mySpace and faceBook pages where he self-profiles as a 37-year old senior programmer at a large corporation, and within five minutes of his posting a brief note on the issue, Google usage plummeted to near zero as did, a half hour later, its stock and, 15 minutes later, the US market and, an hour later, all world markets.
World Government 10.65 responded by saying that there are some really good deals out there now, and everybody should go out and buy.
World Government 10.66, which replaced World Government 10.65, enhanced this utterance by suggesting that maybe this isn't really a tragedy at all, but rather it's an opportunity -- an opportunity to start fresh and not have any further down to go. And all it'll take to fix the lack of any further up to go, is just another lie.
HEALTH SAVED!! To deal with the enormous wave of sickness and partially unsuccessful mass homicides and suicides brought on by the coming end of the world and the collapse of human civilization, World Government 10, today, announced a totally new "health care system" to replace the crappy old failed one.
Under the new system, doctors and hospitals will be eliminated and replaced by out-of-work actors wearing the most expensive clothes in the world, driving the most ostentatious cars and having constant sex with top models from all 11 genders.
As a result of these displays, these new "post"-doctors will have the total respect and worship of all people and will therefore be able to easily elicit the placebo effect from their patients, thus curing disease, stress and psychological disorder at a far higher rate than medicines or medical procedures and with no cost or side effects.
To avoid job loss, since health insurance will now no longer be needed, the health insurance industry will rename itself "The Blackmail Industry", in order to more accurately reflect its truth, and will stop wasting its time on bogus forms and formulas and will simply go door to door, demanding $10,000 a year from everybody on earth -- or else.
simply go door to door, demanding $10,000 a year from everybody on earth -- or else.
HEALTH SAVED!! To deal with the enormous wave of sickness and partially unsuccessful mass homicides and suicides brought on by the coming end of the world and the collapse of human civilization, World Government 10, today, announced a totally new "health care system" to replace the crappy old failed one.
Under the new system, doctors and hospitals will be eliminated and replaced by out-of-work actors wearing the most expensive clothes in the world, driving the most ostentatious cars and having constant sex with top models from all 11 genders.
As a result of these displays, these new "post"-doctors will have the total respect and worship of all people and will therefore be able to easily elicit the placebo effect from their patients, thus curing disease, stress and psychological disorder at a far higher rate than medicines or medical procedures and with no cost or side effects.
To avoid job loss, since health insurance will now no longer be needed, the health insurance industry will rename itself "The Blackmail Industry", in order to more accurately reflect its truth, and will stop wasting its time on bogus forms and formulas and will simply go door to door, demanding $10,000 a year from everybody on earth -- or else.
"OHHH OH
YOUR CITY LIES IN DUST
MY FRIEND"
SIOUXSIE & THE BANSHEES
"CITIES IN DUST" . 1985
Water was running; children were running
You were running out of time
Under the mountain, a golden fountain
Were you praying at the Lares shrine?
But ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
We found you hiding, we found you lying
Choking on the dirt and sand
Your former glories and all the stories
Dragged and washed with eager hands
But ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
your city lies in dust
Water was running; children were running
We found you hiding, we found you lying
Water was running; children were running
We found you hiding, we found you lying
your city lies in dust
ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
Hot and burning in your nostrils
Pouring down your gaping mouth
Your molten bodies blanket of cinders
Caught in the throes .......
Ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
Ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
Ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
Ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
Your city lies in dust
Dear Ji-Tae
Apparently I have gotten way closer to capitalistic materialism than is natural or acceptable and now, for its and my own sake, I have to let it go.
But even then, I know the end of the world has already been set in motion by my "too human" excess, so I was wondering if you had any, you know, cool metaphorical kinda' thingy I could show to my angst to make it think it's gotten off.
Anyway, thanks, and say hi to Chan-wook for me.
SOL UTIO NS!
OLDBOY
Title: OLDBOY
Date: 2003
Time: 119 minutes
Director: Chan-Wook Park
Cast:
Min-sik Choi ... Dae-su Oh
Ji-tae Yu ... Woo-jin Lee
Hye-jeong Kang ... Mi-do
Dae-han Ji ... No Joo-hwan
Dal-su Oh ... Park Cheol-woong
Byeong-ok Kim ... Mr. Han
Seung-Shin Lee ... Yoo Hyung-ja
Jin-seo Yun ... Lee Soo-ah
Dae-yeon Lee ... Beggar
Kwang-rok Oh ... Suicidal Man
Tae-kyung Oh ... Young Dae-su
Yeon-suk Ahn ... Young Woo-jin
Il-han Oo ... Young Joo-hwan
Su-hyeon Kim
Seung-jin Lee
Su-kyeong Yun
Myeong-shin Park
Dae-han Chi
Yi Yong ... Delivery Boy
1. Out of solidarity with the current plight of daily newspapers around the country, The Daily 'Pocalypse will not publish daily, either.
2. The articles in The Daily 'Pocalypse are intended as satire to lighten the burden of the current world tragedy by joking about its most extreme possible outcomes. Should, however, these satirically extreme outcomes actually come to pass, thus making them prophecy (or, a new literary form: prophesatire), we hereby disclaim the existence of all causality, anywhere, ever. Being, after all, is an infinitely simultaneous, massively Boolean, algorithm, which only consciousness breaks into tiny little pieces, called time or photons, and which only cognition erroneously and evolution out of necessity, perceive in causal terms.
