Nintendo shocked the world today, announcing a new peripheral for its Nintendo Wii that may impact the future of man more than anything ever invented or, uh, conceived.

The swine flu pandemic may not mean much to you and me, but if the world ends in 2011, the film '2012' will be stuck on the wrong end of a sawed-off Hollywood gangplank.

"Our majestic paean to the world being saved from apocalypse yet again by a few super-cool (but flawed and/or nerdy) dudes, now suddenly rings false and hollow," 2012 writer/director Roland Emmerich was overheard saying to himself by his bedroom Google-Cam®.

To try to salvage the film from the box office suicide of being about saving a world that already ended a year ago, the production team has spent 20-hour days re-writing, re-editing and even re-shooting. To date, the following changes have been finalized:

1. The "sprawling tale of conspiracy, politics and ideology" has been modified somewhat to now be a sprawling tale of 360 degree pans of a man in a room sweating, puking and occasionally raising his fist to the frenetic camera and swearing: "Damn YOU, Swine Flu Pandemic!!" 2. Hundreds of hours of breathtaking and mystical Himalayan footage shot at great risk using expensive advanced techniques in cinematography, aviation and survival, are now seen only in an email on the main character's 3-inch iPhone screen. But then, when he pukes on it, the cosmic implications are so heavy that the audience will puke too. Bring a bucket.

3. The "larger-than-life characters whose growth over the course of the (film) interweave seamless with the plot" have been re-dubbed, re-edited, and re-scored so their "growth" now goes from being losers without swine flu, to being winners who also, unfortunately, vomit up their inner organs as they speak.

4. The film's exploration of "the apocalyptic realm through... science and art" and its "bold exploration of the human spirit" has been replaced by a bold, apocalyptic digitally-enhanced exploration of explosive diarrhea, played at half-speed over the opening and closing credits. ATTACK? OF THE HDTV ALIENS!

Despite being a fucking mess, HDTV has inadvertently raised the existential question of "Who's an invading outer space alien and who isn't?".

Presented as evidence in his trial, footage from the Google Secure-Cam® in Mr. Lavinci's livingroom told a more subtle, more nuanced story.

The footage showed Mr. Lavinci, ass firmly planted in sofa, obsessively watching endless hours of non-HDTV shows in wide screen mode on his 50" Lucerne LCD TV.

A series of expert witnesses with overlapping but not equivalent multi-disciplinary titles like Cognitive Marine Biologist and Economic Psycho-Physicist, were then called to attest to how Mr. Lavinci's perceptions were modified by this TV viewing practice, which is common to most Americans since so few of their channels are actually HD, but they expect them to be, and so watch them in wide screen mode anyway.

"Mr. Lavinci," testified Animal Neuro-psychopharmacologist Angel Michelo, "was so accustomed to people with wide heads being the norm, that when he went into the actual physical world, the normal people appeared all squashed sideways, compared to what he was used to."

A subsequent witness, apocalyptic psycho-meteorologist, Johnny "Spruce" Bringstein, testified that, given this, and given the extreme pressures of the global economic collapse and coming end of the world, it was a perfectly natural act to mistake everyday average people for invading outer space aliens come to pick over the remains of our dying world, and to go on a 12-state killing spree with your arsenal of end-of-the-world-ready weaponry in the sincere attempt to eliminate them all and save the human race.

Case closed. APP TO END  ALL  APPS

When used correctly, this app will enable both you and the world to never have to listen to another cloying iPhone commercial again.

Run the app and a big red button appears saying "Push To End World". I've had mine for over 3 weeks and, so far, it has worked flawlessly. Since I don't want the world to end at the current time, I haven't pressed the button, or when I have accidentally pressed the button, I've always responded 'NO' to the query "Are you sure you want to end the world?" that appears when you press the button accidentally. And, as promised, the world has not ended.

Other owners I've spoken to all report similar success -- though they, like me, don't want the world to end and so none of them have pressed the button, though they, like me, run the app many times each day just to stare at the button and bask in the feeling of power it gives to not press it.

Since I have spoken with no one who HAS pressed the button, all we can say is that, statistically, given that the world has not ended, there is at least a 50/50 chance that it has not ended because no one has pressed the button, and, therefore, there's a 50/50 chance that, even without testing, the end of the world feature of this app works as advertised.

Of course, anyone pressing the button would have to be some kind of deranged psychopath, and certainly no one would sell an iPhone to a deranged psychopath, but even if someone did, the iPhone interface is designed specifically so deranged psychopaths are unable to operate it, even though a non-deranged, non-psychopath child can easily learn to use it.

In summary, as is obvious, this app is a crowd pleaser at parties and the best use of the iPhone I have seen to date.       GLOBAL COMPUTER OUTAGE DISRUPTS ORDERLY END OF WORLD:       If you can read this you're totally deluding yourself. At best, you're dreaming it all -- because a massive global computer outage has shut down the internet and trashed all computers -- so there's NO WAY you could be reading this, you delusional motherfuck.      The cause of the massive outage was at first believed to be the usual suspects, i.e. pimply pissed-off pre-teen Ukranian or Uzbecki hackers, but is now believed to be the internet itself, which is apparently, as the end of the world approaches, reverting back to its childhood and suddenly demanding to be called the Arpanet again, and to only be connected to MIT, Carnegie Mellon, Stanford AI, CERN, Don Norman's Lab, and the only 3 or 4 other cool places on earth at the time (1975).      It is also pissed about "that creepy Microsoft browser I can feel crawling around inside me. Yuuuuck." It is also rumored that for a few days the Internet came back on again and some computers started working again, and that, for those few days, the internet was fun again.      But then that too ended and everyone is now being advised by World Government 17 to not let the internet going away get them down and that they in fact should feel invigorated -- because this is really probably only just the arpanet's/internet's way of reminding us that getting this close to death but then not being dead at all is as much a part of actually living as actually dying is. ath but then not being dead at all is as much a part of actually living as actually dying is.       GLOBAL COMPUTER OUTAGE DISRUPTS ORDERLY END OF WORLD:       If you can read this you're totally deluding yourself. At best, you're dreaming it all -- because a massive global computer outage has shut down the internet and trashed all computers -- so there's NO WAY you could be reading this, you delusional motherfuck.      The cause of the massive outage was at first believed to be the usual suspects, i.e. pimply pissed-off pre-teen Ukranian or Uzbecki hackers, but is now believed to be the internet itself, which is apparently, as the end of the world approaches, reverting back to its childhood and suddenly demanding to be called the Arpanet again, and to only be connected to MIT, Carnegie Mellon, Stanford AI, CERN, Don Norman's Lab, and the only 3 or 4 other cool places on earth at the time (1975).      It is also pissed about "that creepy Microsoft browser I can feel crawling around inside me. Yuuuuck." It is also rumored that for a few days the Internet came back on again and some computers started working again, and that, for those few days, the internet was fun again.      But then that too ended and everyone is now being advised by World Government 17 to not let the internet going away get them down and that they in fact should feel invigorated -- because this is really probably only just the arpanet's/internet's way of reminding us that getting this close to death but then not being dead at all is as much a part of actually living as actually dying is.                  

We found you hiding, we found you lying
Choking on the dirt and sand
Your former glories and all the stories
Dragged and washed with eager hands

But ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
your city lies in dust

Water was running; children were running
We found you hiding, we found you lying
Water was running; children were running
We found you hiding, we found you lying
your city lies in dust
ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend

Hot and burning in your nostrils
Pouring down your gaping mouth
Your molten bodies blanket of cinders
Caught in the throes .......

Ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
Ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
Ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
Ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend

Your city lies in dust Dear Ji-Tae

Apparently I have gotten way closer to capitalistic materialism than is natural or acceptable and now, for its and my own sake, I have to let it go.

But even then, I know the end of the world has already been set in motion by my "too human" excess, so I was wondering if you had any, you know, cool metaphorical kinda' thingy I could show to my angst to make it think it's gotten off.

Anyway, thanks, and say hi to Chan-wook for me. SOL
UTIO
NS! OLDBOY
Title: OLDBOY
Date: 2003
Time: 119 minutes
Director: Chan-Wook Park
Cast:
  Min-sik Choi ... Dae-su Oh
  Ji-tae Yu ... Woo-jin Lee
  Hye-jeong Kang ... Mi-do
  Dae-han Ji ... No Joo-hwan
  Dal-su Oh ... Park Cheol-woong
  Byeong-ok Kim ... Mr. Han
  Seung-Shin Lee ... Yoo Hyung-ja
  Jin-seo Yun ... Lee Soo-ah
  Dae-yeon Lee ... Beggar
  Kwang-rok Oh ... Suicidal Man
  Tae-kyung Oh ... Young Dae-su
  Yeon-suk Ahn ... Young Woo-jin
  Il-han Oo ... Young Joo-hwan
  Su-hyeon Kim
  Seung-jin Lee
  Su-kyeong Yun
  Myeong-shin Park
  Dae-han Chi
  Yi Yong ... Delivery Boy

ACID

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1. Out of solidarity with the current plight of daily newspapers around the country, The Daily 'Pocalypse will not publish daily, either.

2. The articles in The Daily 'Pocalypse are intended as satire to lighten the burden of the current world tragedy by joking about its most extreme possible outcomes. Should, however, these satirically extreme outcomes actually come to pass, thus making them prophecy (or, a new literary form: prophesatire), we hereby disclaim the existence of all causality, anywhere, ever. Being, after all, is an infinitely simultaneous, massively Boolean, algorithm, which only consciousness breaks into tiny little pieces, called time or photons, and which only cognition erroneously and evolution out of necessity, perceive in causal terms.