Nintendo shocked the world today, announcing a new peripheral for its Nintendo Wii that may impact the future of man more than anything ever invented or, uh, conceived.

The swine flu pandemic may not mean much to you and me, but if the world ends in 2011, the film '2012' will be stuck on the wrong end of a sawed-off Hollywood gangplank.

"Our majestic paean to the world being saved from apocalypse yet again by a few super-cool (but flawed and/or nerdy) dudes, now suddenly rings false and hollow," 2012 writer/director Roland Emmerich was overheard saying to himself by his bedroom Google-Cam®.

To try to salvage the film from the box office suicide of being about saving a world that already ended a year ago, the production team has spent 20-hour days re-writing, re-editing and even re-shooting. To date, the following changes have been finalized:

1. The "sprawling tale of conspiracy, politics and ideology" has been modified somewhat to now be a sprawling tale of 360 degree pans of a man in a room sweating, puking and occasionally raising his fist to the frenetic camera and swearing: "Damn YOU, Swine Flu Pandemic!!" 2. Hundreds of hours of breathtaking and mystical Himalayan footage shot at great risk using expensive advanced techniques in cinematography, aviation and survival, are now seen only in an email on the main character's 3-inch iPhone screen. But then, when he pukes on it, the cosmic implications are so heavy that the audience will puke too. Bring a bucket.

3. The "larger-than-life characters whose growth over the course of the (film) interweave seamless with the plot" have been re-dubbed, re-edited, and re-scored so their "growth" now goes from being losers without swine flu, to being winners who also, unfortunately, vomit up their inner organs as they speak.

4. The film's exploration of "the apocalyptic realm through... science and art" and its "bold exploration of the human spirit" has been replaced by a bold, apocalyptic digitally-enhanced exploration of explosive diarrhea, played at half-speed over the opening and closing credits. ATTACK? OF THE HDTV ALIENS!

Despite being a fucking mess, HDTV has inadvertently raised the existential question of "Who's an invading outer space alien and who isn't?".

Presented as evidence in his trial, footage from the Google Secure-Cam® in Mr. Lavinci's livingroom told a more subtle, more nuanced story.

The footage showed Mr. Lavinci, ass firmly planted in sofa, obsessively watching endless hours of non-HDTV shows in wide screen mode on his 50" Lucerne LCD TV.

A series of expert witnesses with overlapping but not equivalent multi-disciplinary titles like Cognitive Marine Biologist and Economic Psycho-Physicist, were then called to attest to how Mr. Lavinci's perceptions were modified by this TV viewing practice, which is common to most Americans since so few of their channels are actually HD, but they expect them to be, and so watch them in wide screen mode anyway.

"Mr. Lavinci," testified Animal Neuro-psychopharmacologist Angel Michelo, "was so accustomed to people with wide heads being the norm, that when he went into the actual physical world, the normal people appeared all squashed sideways, compared to what he was used to."

A subsequent witness, apocalyptic psycho-meteorologist, Johnny "Spruce" Bringstein, testified that, given this, and given the extreme pressures of the global economic collapse and coming end of the world, it was a perfectly natural act to mistake everyday average people for invading outer space aliens come to pick over the remains of our dying world, and to go on a 12-state killing spree with your arsenal of end-of-the-world-ready weaponry in the sincere attempt to eliminate them all and save the human race.

Case closed. APP TO END  ALL  APPS

When used correctly, this app will enable both you and the world to never have to listen to another cloying iPhone commercial again.

Run the app and a big red button appears saying "Push To End World". I've had mine for over 3 weeks and, so far, it has worked flawlessly. Since I don't want the world to end at the current time, I haven't pressed the button, or when I have accidentally pressed the button, I've always responded 'NO' to the query "Are you sure you want to end the world?" that appears when you press the button accidentally. And, as promised, the world has not ended.

Other owners I've spoken to all report similar success -- though they, like me, don't want the world to end and so none of them have pressed the button, though they, like me, run the app many times each day just to stare at the button and bask in the feeling of power it gives to not press it.

Since I have spoken with no one who HAS pressed the button, all we can say is that, statistically, given that the world has not ended, there is at least a 50/50 chance that it has not ended because no one has pressed the button, and, therefore, there's a 50/50 chance that, even without testing, the end of the world feature of this app works as advertised.

Of course, anyone pressing the button would have to be some kind of deranged psychopath, and certainly no one would sell an iPhone to a deranged psychopath, but even if someone did, the iPhone interface is designed specifically so deranged psychopaths are unable to operate it, even though a non-deranged, non-psychopath child can easily learn to use it.

In summary, as is obvious, this app is a crowd pleaser at parties and the best use of the iPhone I have seen to date.       UNEMPLOYMENT FINALLY TOTALLY OVER!!     World Government 14.32791 announced today that unemployment is now officially totally over, or will be soon if you extrapolate from current data.       President Harry Woodelson humbly credited several programs initiated by World Government 13.6 for the stunning success.     Singled out for highest praise was the creation of the Human Reaction Forces which provided jobs to 50% of the formerly unemployed.     The Human Reaction Forces were given absolutely no training whatsoever and sent out to kill and be killed by the other 50% of the unemployed who were rioting and looting and blowing up Wall Street and killing bank presidents and giving health insurance company CEOs leukemia.       President Woody summed up the startling achievement thusly. "Hiring the unemployed to exterminate the unemployed," he said, "is probably the best idea anyone in government or business has ever had. Unfortunately, now who can I get to clean my fucking toilet?" business has ever had. Unfortunately, now who can I get to clean my fucking toilet?"       UNEMPLOYMENT FINALLY TOTALLY OVER!!     World Government 14.32791 announced today that unemployment is now officially totally over, or will be soon if you extrapolate from current data.       President Harry Woodelson humbly credited several programs initiated by World Government 13.6 for the stunning success.     Singled out for highest praise was the creation of the Human Reaction Forces which provided jobs to 50% of the formerly unemployed.     The Human Reaction Forces were given absolutely no training whatsoever and sent out to kill and be killed by the other 50% of the unemployed who were rioting and looting and blowing up Wall Street and killing bank presidents and giving health insurance company CEOs leukemia.       President Woody summed up the startling achievement thusly. "Hiring the unemployed to exterminate the unemployed," he said, "is probably the best idea anyone in government or business has ever had. Unfortunately, now who can I get to clean my fucking toilet?"                  

The door locked
The door locked
We don't talk
We sleep now

I hold you
I hold the sound
We sleep now

It's safe now
We can move
The world is over
The world is over

It's early still
The sun is cold
The world is over
The world is over

I hold you
I hold the sound
I hold the sound

We walk now
We can breathe
The world is flat
The sky is round

It's early still
The moon is cold
We walk now
We walk alone

I hold you
I hold the sound
I hold the sound
Dear Tadanobu

Thanks for hanging around to turn out the lights when it's all over.

And say hi and bye to Pen-Ek for me. SOL
UTIO
NS! LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE
Title: LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE
        (Ruang rak noi nid mahasan)
Date: 2003
Time: 112 minutes
Director: Pen-Ek Ratanaruang
Cast:
  Tadanobu Asano ... Kenji
  Sinitta Boonyasak ... Noi
  Laila Boonyasak ... Nid
  Yutaka Matsushige ... Yukio
  Riki Takeuchi ... Takashi
  Takashi Miike ... Yakuza
  Yoji Tanaka ... Yakuza
  Sakichi Satô ... Yakuza
  Thiti Rhumorn ... Jon
  Junko Nakazawa ... Librarian
  Akiko Anraku ... Japanese Housewife
  Nortioshi Urano ... Salaryman
  Phimchanok Nala Dube ... Girl in Apt
  Ampon Rattanawong ... Jon's Underling
  Jakrarin Sanitti ... Jon's Underling

ACID

    TODAY'S TDP

   5.9.09
     EMPLOYMENT

    PAST TDPS    ↑   ↓

1. Out of solidarity with the current plight of daily newspapers around the country, The Daily 'Pocalypse will not publish daily, either.

2. The articles in The Daily 'Pocalypse are intended as satire to lighten the burden of the current world tragedy by joking about its most extreme possible outcomes. Should, however, these satirically extreme outcomes actually come to pass, thus making them prophecy (or, a new literary form: prophesatire), we hereby disclaim the existence of all causality, anywhere, ever. Being, after all, is an infinitely simultaneous, massively Boolean, algorithm, which only consciousness breaks into tiny little pieces, called time or photons, and which only cognition erroneously and evolution out of necessity, perceive in causal terms.