The LHC, the biggest fucking hadron collider in the history of the world and could blow your head clean off, has apparently covered up results that would end physics.

But apparently, rather than reveal this finding and make all physics look totally ridiculous, the Union of Concerned Physicists chose to pretend that some asshole had been fucking around with the LHC and had totally broken it to the point where it wouldn't be in working condition until some future date which would never come.

The Higgs Boson is a hypothetical particle and major component of the so-called Higgs field which is responsible for giving mass to the fundamental particles of matter (like protons and neutrons). Simply stated this means that if the hypothetical Higgs Boson doesn't really exist, then there's no such thing as mass. And if there's no such thing as mass, then there's no such thing as matter. Which means that not only has physics always been wrong about everything, but also that nothing really exists including YOU -- or, at best, you and everything else are just pure information, which itself is just a purely relative measure of abstract relations.

Despite several lame attempts to come up with some other bogus particle or principle that will make mass and matter exist again, modern theoretical physics is now pretty much in the stage of mourning that includes packing up your bags, turning out the lights, and closing the door behind you.

"You could say." said a former popular theoretical physicist, "that theoretical physics is sort of up its ass. But that would be wrong -- because according to what the LHC's telling us, there's no such thing as ass." SPECIES GAME CHANGER FROM NINTENDO?

Nintendo shocked the world today, announcing a new peripheral for its Nintendo Wii that may impact the future of man more than anything ever invented or, uh, conceived.

The swine flu pandemic may not mean much to you and me, but if the world ends in 2011, the film '2012' will be stuck on the wrong end of a sawed-off Hollywood gangplank.

"Our majestic paean to the world being saved from apocalypse yet again by a few super-cool (but flawed and/or nerdy) dudes, now suddenly rings false and hollow," 2012 writer/director Roland Emmerich was overheard saying to himself by his bedroom Google-Cam®.

To try to salvage the film from the box office suicide of being about saving a world that already ended a year ago, the production team has spent 20-hour days re-writing, re-editing and even re-shooting. To date, the following changes have been finalized:

1. The "sprawling tale of conspiracy, politics and ideology" has been modified somewhat to now be a sprawling tale of 360 degree pans of a man in a room sweating, puking and occasionally raising his fist to the frenetic camera and swearing: "Damn YOU, Swine Flu Pandemic!!" 2. Hundreds of hours of breathtaking and mystical Himalayan footage shot at great risk using expensive advanced techniques in cinematography, aviation and survival, are now seen only in an email on the main character's 3-inch iPhone screen. But then, when he pukes on it, the cosmic implications are so heavy that the audience will puke too. Bring a bucket.

3. The "larger-than-life characters whose growth over the course of the (film) interweave seamless with the plot" have been re-dubbed, re-edited, and re-scored so their "growth" now goes from being losers without swine flu, to being winners who also, unfortunately, vomit up their inner organs as they speak.

4. The film's exploration of "the apocalyptic realm through... science and art" and its "bold exploration of the human spirit" has been replaced by a bold, apocalyptic digitally-enhanced exploration of explosive diarrhea, played at half-speed over the opening and closing credits. ATTACK? OF THE HDTV ALIENS!

Despite being a fucking mess, HDTV has inadvertently raised the existential question of "Who's an invading outer space alien and who isn't?".

Presented as evidence in his trial, footage from the Google Secure-Cam® in Mr. Lavinci's livingroom told a more subtle, more nuanced story.

The footage showed Mr. Lavinci, ass firmly planted in sofa, obsessively watching endless hours of non-HDTV shows in wide screen mode on his 50" Lucerne LCD TV.

A series of expert witnesses with overlapping but not equivalent multi-disciplinary titles like Cognitive Marine Biologist and Economic Psycho-Physicist, were then called to attest to how Mr. Lavinci's perceptions were modified by this TV viewing practice, which is common to most Americans since so few of their channels are actually HD, but they expect them to be, and so watch them in wide screen mode anyway.

"Mr. Lavinci," testified Animal Neuro-psychopharmacologist Angel Michelo, "was so accustomed to people with wide heads being the norm, that when he went into the actual physical world, the normal people appeared all squashed sideways, compared to what he was used to."

A subsequent witness, apocalyptic psycho-meteorologist, Johnny "Spruce" Bringstein, testified that, given this, and given the extreme pressures of the global economic collapse and coming end of the world, it was a perfectly natural act to mistake everyday average people for invading outer space aliens come to pick over the remains of our dying world, and to go on a 12-state killing spree with your arsenal of end-of-the-world-ready weaponry in the sincere attempt to eliminate them all and save the human race.

Case closed.       UNEMPLOYMENT FINALLY TOTALLY OVER!!     World Government 14.32791 announced today that unemployment is now officially totally over, or will be soon if you extrapolate from current data.       President Harry Woodelson humbly credited several programs initiated by World Government 13.6 for the stunning success.     Singled out for highest praise was the creation of the Human Reaction Forces which provided jobs to 50% of the formerly unemployed.     The Human Reaction Forces were given absolutely no training whatsoever and sent out to kill and be killed by the other 50% of the unemployed who were rioting and looting and blowing up Wall Street and killing bank presidents and giving health insurance company CEOs leukemia.       President Woody summed up the startling achievement thusly. "Hiring the unemployed to exterminate the unemployed," he said, "is probably the best idea anyone in government or business has ever had. Unfortunately, now who can I get to clean my fucking toilet?" business has ever had. Unfortunately, now who can I get to clean my fucking toilet?"       UNEMPLOYMENT FINALLY TOTALLY OVER!!     World Government 14.32791 announced today that unemployment is now officially totally over, or will be soon if you extrapolate from current data.       President Harry Woodelson humbly credited several programs initiated by World Government 13.6 for the stunning success.     Singled out for highest praise was the creation of the Human Reaction Forces which provided jobs to 50% of the formerly unemployed.     The Human Reaction Forces were given absolutely no training whatsoever and sent out to kill and be killed by the other 50% of the unemployed who were rioting and looting and blowing up Wall Street and killing bank presidents and giving health insurance company CEOs leukemia.       President Woody summed up the startling achievement thusly. "Hiring the unemployed to exterminate the unemployed," he said, "is probably the best idea anyone in government or business has ever had. Unfortunately, now who can I get to clean my fucking toilet?"                  

The door locked
The door locked
We don't talk
We sleep now

I hold you
I hold the sound
We sleep now

It's safe now
We can move
The world is over
The world is over

It's early still
The sun is cold
The world is over
The world is over

I hold you
I hold the sound
I hold the sound

We walk now
We can breathe
The world is flat
The sky is round

It's early still
The moon is cold
We walk now
We walk alone

I hold you
I hold the sound
I hold the sound
Dear Tadanobu

Thanks for hanging around to turn out the lights when it's all over.

And say hi and bye to Pen-Ek for me. SOL
UTIO
NS! LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE
Title: LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE
        (Ruang rak noi nid mahasan)
Date: 2003
Time: 112 minutes
Director: Pen-Ek Ratanaruang
Cast:
  Tadanobu Asano ... Kenji
  Sinitta Boonyasak ... Noi
  Laila Boonyasak ... Nid
  Yutaka Matsushige ... Yukio
  Riki Takeuchi ... Takashi
  Takashi Miike ... Yakuza
  Yoji Tanaka ... Yakuza
  Sakichi Satô ... Yakuza
  Thiti Rhumorn ... Jon
  Junko Nakazawa ... Librarian
  Akiko Anraku ... Japanese Housewife
  Nortioshi Urano ... Salaryman
  Phimchanok Nala Dube ... Girl in Apt
  Ampon Rattanawong ... Jon's Underling
  Jakrarin Sanitti ... Jon's Underling

ACID

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1. Out of solidarity with the current plight of daily newspapers around the country, The Daily 'Pocalypse will not publish daily, either.

2. The articles in The Daily 'Pocalypse are intended as satire to lighten the burden of the current world tragedy by joking about its most extreme possible outcomes. Should, however, these satirically extreme outcomes actually come to pass, thus making them prophecy (or, a new literary form: prophesatire), we hereby disclaim the existence of all causality, anywhere, ever. Being, after all, is an infinitely simultaneous, massively Boolean, algorithm, which only consciousness breaks into tiny little pieces, called time or photons, and which only cognition erroneously and evolution out of necessity, perceive in causal terms.