Normally, when I have an idea like this, I just blurt it out and assume my work is done. That the world is now saved again for another day, thanks to my idea, and I can go home now and eat or sleep.

And so far, not to brag, but... the world is still here. And so I should probably feel some pride in this. Some satisfaction. Just like I should look forward to going home and eating and sleeping once my work of saving the world from itself with an idea, is done.

But today, at home, high in the cliffs overlooking the beach and the ocean, the small fire burning at the mouth of the cave I live in, I'm scanning my email and I suddenly read one that negates everything I just said, and everything I've ever done and everything I think.

It comes in the form of advice. It tells me my fucking ideas are NOT saving the world as I think they are. And that what I need to do is "situationalize" them, in order for them to even have half a chance at saving the fucking disgraceful world I didn't create and yet find myself cognitively always picking up after.

Situationalize or productize or die, the email tells me. And definitely do not mathematize or even fucking monetize anything ever again.

I write back using my only weapon: the truth. You can tell it's the truth because it starts by saying that everything I've ever said, up until now, was a total and absolute lie.

At this point you don't need a video link to know he's rubbing his hands over his keyboard, mentally pulling up a comfortable chair, as he reads my email, sitting back, bowls full of Doritos close by, settling in, and thinking, Whooa, this is gonna be good!

So I cut to the chase. OK, I tell him, I don't eat or sleep. I spend all night in a cave keeping the fire going and thinking up tomorrow's idea.

In the morning I walk up the coast along the beach telling people my idea for that day. I don't tell them to spread it or that it will save the world. I am not giving them a fish but I am also NOT teaching them HOW to be fishermen, either. And I am NOT giving birth to them on 3rd base and telling them they just hit a triple. I am just saying, here we are on 3rd base, and then I tell them what the sign for the suicide squeeze is. And how it has to be put on twice, before you break for the plate with the pitch, having total perfect disregard for absolutely EVERYTHING else at that moment.

People who feel bad about not giving a flaming crap about my fucking "idea" for the day usually offer me food to console themselves, and I can't decline or they will KNOW they were right about my being wrong -- so I accept it graciously and then usually stuff it ravenously in my face immediately, so there won't even be a question about which species I'm from. Then, when they're far enough away, I go spit it all back into the ocean to feed the gulls and porpoises who sometimes are only a few hundred feet offshore riding the wave peaks, and could use a quick slab of baloney for the energy to get past the next one.

That's why I walk along the ocean. Not so I can know where the fuck I'm going, not for the air, not for the scenery, but so I can always have a place to spit out food with impunity.

Then I conclude my email to the person whose email told me I had to either situationalize or productize:

Thank you again for your heartfelt advice and I hope it is clear why I have said everything to you I've just said to you, but in case it isn't, the reason is so that you will understand WHY it is IMPOSSIBLE for me at this time to either situationalize or productize fucking ANYTHING!!

Then I send the email, but unfortunately even I am unconvinced by my own bullshit truth, so I take the idea I am currently having and try to embody it in a product or, to be obnoxious, a product line.

The twin anchors of this product line are Stem Cell Toothpaste and Stem Cell Chewing Gum -- and both products, as the names indicate, are literally teaming with millions of hot young stem cells -- just sitting around aching to regenerate tissue.

The idea I am productizing in Stem Cell Chewing Gum and Stem Cell Toothpaste is a simple one: People will believe all kinds of utter fucking bullshit -- to the point where fully grown, fully cognizant, all their faculties intact adults will stick all kinds of unknown crap in their mouth just because some charlatan says it contains something they don't but should understand.

The actual productizing itself is done on the internet using some of the many sites selling vanity chewing gum -- sticks of generic chewing gum inside wrappers with your name or company name and/or logo and/or message printed on the outside for a small fee.

The ad campaign begins with a high Google score for searches on terms like "stem cells" and all other medical terms. Directing searchers to Ads like:

"Over 10,000 stem cells released with every bite!! Chew Stem Cell Chewing Gum all day long and feel the instant exhilaration of all your cells and organs regenerating fresh and new, on the spot, as you speak!"

Or,

"Stem Cell Toothpaste rebuilds your teeth perfectly from scratch, every time you brush!! -- Over 10 million stem cells in every brushful of Stem Cell Toothpaste immediately recognize your teeth, and turn from pure undifferentiated stem cells, into pure teeth cells!! -- and if you accidentally swallow stem cell toothpaste, all that happens is your esophagus and stomach lining will be regenerated with newly differentiated esophagus and stomach lining stem cells."

The rest of the ad campaign circulates on the rumor net: A secret added benefit of Stem Cell Toothpaste and Chewing Gum is if you excrete or otherwise crap or spit out any stem cells that don't get used to regenerate your immediate body parts, they float out into your sewage system and fix your rotting pipes.

To be continued...

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