Friday, January 3, 1997
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Newt, Jewell Announce Unified Field Theory, Seminars, Books, Push Media Alliances

Washington, DC - ( Jan 3) - Newsmen and other bystanders were stunned, early this morning, when House Speaker Newt Gingrich and former Atlanta Summer Olympics bombing suspect Richard Jewell held an impromptu press conference on the steps of the Senate Office Building to announce their new series of seminars, world movements, push media partnerships, and unified field theories of female ebonic essence.

Before he could read his impromptu statement, however, Jewell was asked about the half million dollar settlement NBC had just paid in lieu of facing charges of erroneously calling him an alleged sack of shit, or something.

A smiling, confident, Armani-clad or whatever Jewell responded, "I guess I'm just the kinda guy who always thinks of others first, so I celebrated my windfall, yesterday, by, uh, firing off some special homemade holiday thank you cards to my close personal friends at the National Press Club and at Fort Leavenworth Prison."

Waxing momentarily meta, he added, "You know, it appears like I can pretty much blow up or kill whatever the fuck I want from here on, and no one's ever gonna dare accuse me of anything, ever again."

Turning to his prepared statement, Jewell first expressed "solidarity with the Tupac Shakur rebels now holding various hottsy-tottsy bigshot hostages in Peru, in an effort to bring Tupac back to life," and then went on to explain the series of seminars he and Newt would be launching in order to teach their new unified field theory of ebonic female essence or being or whatever.

Embracing Jewell, Gingrich, in a facile display of total mastery of ebonics-speak, took the podium and explained to the enthralled journalists how Brutus was sleeping in the tax-exempt Lincoln bedroom with a moterfuckin' MMX chip in one hand, and an Indonesian school lunch program V-chip, in the other.

"What me and my homey Dicky J have got here," said the Speaker, "Is like one motha fucker of a unified field theory of ebonic female essence, or being, or whatever. Know whaaam saaayn?"

The Speaker went on to explain how Intel's new MMX-chip, "has some kind of microkernel cache thing or other that makes it really easy to write ebonics word processors that would, like, automatically put apostrophe's after every motherfucking word, and provide just a single motherfucking key that automatically writes out the whole word 'motherfucker,' whenever you press it, thus drastically reducing the amount of time it takes to write a novel, letter or newspaper column."

In an effort to draw attention away from his ethics charges, possibly soon-to-be former Speaker Gingrich announced that all his future smarmy tax-exempt right-wing classes in how to be a smarmy right-wing conservo capitalist slimeball would be taught exclusively in ebonics and that, as soon as the Tupac Shakur rebels brought Tupac Shakur back to life, he'd be hired as Newt's first teaching assistant "not because of any quota thang -- but because he's, like, the most fly person for the job."

"Sure Tupac's made a few mistakes," said Gingrich, "And I may have even possibly made a few mistakes myself. But, you know 2 wrongs don't make a right-winger ... whatever the fuck that means..."

Jewell, Gingrich and Shakur, to further their goals of a new female ebonics of being world seminar, today, also announced a new Push media company, "Porncast" which would beam ebonic subtitled pornography direct to the user's PC without the need for the user to lift a motherfucking finger. Tres dope.

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