Tuesday, January 6, 1998
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New Optimism Is Out; Skiing Into Trees Is In

Lake Tahoe, NV - (Jan 6) - Well, unfortunately, apparently the so-called "New Optimism," which was, at least as of only yesterday, still, apparently, "sweeping the country," if you know what I mean, apparently is very possibly no longer sweeping the country at all, and may even be deader than a Wired IPO or Hotwired "Net Surf" column.

What is, apparently, now sweeping the country in place of the New Optimism, is, apparently the exciting new sport of skiing into trees.

"There is nothing cooler than skiing into trees at, like, 50 or 60 mph," says Donna Rice Hughes, founder, CEO, and spokesperson for the newly formed Association of Skiing Into Trees Professionals, whose monthly newsletter, "The New England Journal of Skiing Into Trees," she also edits, in between maintaining a busy schedule as a "skiing into trees mom," and re-reformed power whore.

However, a note of serious concern has been voiced by Kirk Vomit Jr., founder, CEO, and spokesperson for the newly formed Union of Concerned Skiers Into Trees. (Note: The Union of Concerned Skiers Into Trees is an investor in The Washington Pissed.)

"We are concerned that professional skiers into trees are beginning to resent all the attention received by what they consider to be the much less demanding sport of crashing drunken Mercedes' into tunnel posts at a high rate of speed," said Vomit, "And that they are starting to get, like, all wacky, as a result -- if you know what I mean."

Jack Valente, founder, CEO and spokesperson for the newly formed Academy of Skiing into Trees Arts and Sciences, said his newly formed "academy" would be awarding prizes, at the end of the week, for excellence in skiing into trees, in over 37 different categories of performance and pain.

"If we do not immediately sink our spikes into the gut of the American people, if you know what I mean," said Valente, to a packed audience of skiing into trees wannabes and has-beens, "We run the risk of being just another fucking flavor of the month -- like the world was -- rather than becoming a lifetime, trans-generational meal ticket, like being a fucking slimeball was and still is, to this day."

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