Friday, January 15, 1999
Clinton Announces Lowest Crime Rate Ever (Wink, Wink)

Annapolis, MD - (Jan 15) - Pointing to reams of falsified data that show the crime rate has fallen to the lowest level in recorded history, President Clinton, today, told an unruly mob of so-called "law enforcement" officers from around the nation that we must still do a better job.

"Though these are the lowest crime rates in recorded history (wink, wink)," the President said, "there are still many things we can do to get them even lower."

Clinton suggested one way to get the crime rates lower was to just take a pen and subtract, like, 20% from whatever they are now.

"Another way to get them lower," said Clinton, "is to just subtract, you know, 30%."

Clinton told the officers how he expected to see every one of them now go back to his or her precinct or station house and break into the drawer where the captain keeps his guns and badges and crime rate statistics, and just write in at least a big minus 20% under it, and do the math, if possible.

Clinton also explained how his plan to put 100,000 police officers on the streets actually had lowered crime, even without faking the numbers.

"The more cops we have out on the street, where we can watch them," said Clinton, "the less opportunity they have to commit some brutal act of crime against the people."

Clinton said he will ask Congress for an additional $6.9 billion in cash money in order to fund competitive grant programs including:

$530 million for communities to produce a string of cheap international action films starring members of rival families of actors with nearly the same last name, each claiming the other has ripped off its whole damn genotype, fer chrissakes, and who always wind up killing each other in violent shootouts in vacant lots, standing beside their pickup trucks or Torinos, both onscreen and, eventually, off.

$890 million for communities to see what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting Real. The Real World.

$1.1 billion for communities to hire public relations firms to be ready to respond on a round-the-clock basis to accusations that culture is really on just some limp auto-pilot and basically just going through the motions of phoning in the same flavor of the month, every couplea weeks.

$930 million for communities to hire someone at this damn carnival to invent some damn new job that's something other than either being PT Barnum, or being the geek.

$750 million for local police agencies to move their station house to a land where the birds sound like cash registers.

$165 million for innovative community programs such as the one where they hold showdowns, but nobody shows up.

Clinton, who was getting a blow job as he delivered the speech to the assembled law enforcement agents, told them, "Now you might have noticed that I'm getting a blow job as I speak to you. And you're probably asking yourself, hey, isn't he gonna get in some kinda trouble for that? But my answer to you is, hey, like, what are they gonna do? Impeach me?"

The assembled officers nervously cracked up.

Clinton then concluded his speech by not saying a word about donuts.

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1999 by HC