Thursday, January 16, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Microsoft Launches Orifice 97: Multi-App Nutra-Suite

Redmond, WA - (Jan 16) - Microsoft Corporation of Redmond, Washington, today, launched the latest version of its best-selling multi-application product, Microsoft Orifice 97.

Unlike single application products such as word processors, spreadsheets, or robot sex manipulators, Microsoft Orifice is a suite of single-minded applications that can be forced to work together to perform many Orifice-related tasks, such as opening, closing, ingesting, and puking. [IMAGE:
Orifice 97 package]

The major components of the suite include:

Microsoft Mouth -- automatically generates filthy and obnoxious responses to all your personal email, while you sleep;

Microsoft Nostril -- sniffs around the Net and finds out who's been calling you a dickhead, and why;

Microsoft Anus -- gets rid of all the crap on your hard drive, without your knowledge, while you sleep;

Microsoft Pee Hole -- doesn't really do anything at all, but Steve Ballmer or Nathan Myhrvold or somebody, thought it was a really cool name for a product.

"Lots and lots of money has gone into the new Microsoft Orifice," said Steve Ballmer or Nathan Myhrvold, of Microsoft -- "And sooner or later, it's all gonna' come out the other end."

"Assuming you can even find the other end," added Nathan Myhrvold or Steve Ballmer, "Or can ever quantum mechanically know just what fucking dimension it's even in!"

According to a Microsoft spokesperson who was neither Steve Ballmer nor Nathan Myhrvold, "Orifice 97 is a quantum mechanical leap over previous versions because, for one thing, the integration between apps is now much tighter, so, for example, if one module crashes [or if someone sneezes], everything else crashes right along with it."

Microsoft was the first company to introduce the Orifice metaphor for business computing tasks. The metaphor is often credited with the dramatic rise in the stock market, because it allows CEO's, managers, and investors to view business as, you know, just one big fucking hole.

Microsoft virtually owns the multi-application market segment with an 86% share. Its closest competitor, Ace Software, commands only about 9% with its own multi-app product, Ace Hole-in-One, which, for some unknown reason, never really got off the ground.

Microsoft Orifice 97 is supplied on 10 15-Gigabyte liquid-nitrogen-cooled portable hard drives which are weather-resistant and can be safely run from the roof of your home, so as not to take up valuable space in your home orifice.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F