Friday, January 17, 1997
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Like, Nothing Happened

Rancho Bernardo, CA - (Jan 17) - According to sources deep in the bowels of the White House, as well as sources way out in the bowels of the hinterlands, and sources spread all along the bowels of both coasts, "Nothing at all happened yesterday, and nothing at all is gonna happen today, so don't even fucking bother waking up."

blank - Nothing: happened]   This report was confirmed by several of our international correspondents, from their jail cell, just shortly after they were arrested for driving under the influence and being asleep at the world.

Later, after their release on either Jeffrey Dahmer's or Mike Tyson's recognizance, they held a press conference and claimed it was the world's fault that they fell asleep, not their fault or even the fault of their reticular formations.

"It's the fucking world's fault that we fell asleep," their spokesman told the rapt audience of international correspondents, consisting mostly of themselves, "Cause there's, ya know, like nothing the fuck happening out there."

However, the next speaker, a spokesperson for the "Nothing's Happening Now, Maybe, But -- Just Wait, Foundation" took the podium, grabbed the microphone, and boldly announced that, even though nothing appeared to be happening, now, across all dimensions of human culture, "...this is really just some calm before the storm kinda thing, and, who knows, maybe any fucking day now there'll be like a series of world thermonuclear wars sparked by world stock market crashes and world train wrecks and world earthquakes and world tidal waves spawning waves of new titles from like Radon House or Simon and Garfunkle House -- new titles cross-pollinating all media and unifying all field theories like:

"Evicted!: an Interactive DVD-TV-show-Website where Madonna and the cast of 'Evita' join the cast of 'Rent' and they all get kicked out of their apartment together and have to find a cheap place where a couple hundred singing dancing fools can all live together in perfect harmony -- but the only place they can come up with is on MTV, where they have to be really really quiet and pretend to be only 7 people...

"Or like the World Championship Wrestling Special Pay-Per-View CD-Rom where 'Jackie Chan's First Strike' is mixed together on a Macintosh by Todd Rundgren, with 'The People vs. Larry Flynt,' resulting in an all new film of the WCW Cruiserweight TV title match: 'Jackie Chan vs. Larry Flynt'...

"Or like, the touch-screen, bus-stop kiosk video-on-demand show 'The Friends of Jerry Mcguire and Michael J. Seinfeld' where Michael J. Fox, and Bob or Jerry or whatever Seinfeld sit around a living room with John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Jennifer Anniston, and Lisa Kudrow, screaming, "Show me the fucking Money!" amidst serial botched attempts at "doggie-style" consummations with about a hundred or so Dalmations...

"Or like, instead of being set in New York or London or LA or Miami or Boston, The Real World is set on Mars and Venus, and the '7 people picked to live in a fucking house' are, instead, living in separate capsules spread around the 2 planets and have to work out their male-female things via java-enabled websites over an extra-terrestrial network backbone of signals bounced off man-made space debris and the tails of randomly passing comets...

"Or like an electronic hypertext online quick-time pop-up novel about how the 7 people picked to live in a house on MTV are, like, Zena Warrior Princess, Hercules, Sinbad, Robin Hood, Tarzan, King Kong Bundy and Cliff Stoll and they decide not to live in the fucking house, after all, but instead, they get Jack Nicholson stoned and attack mars on their choppers, egged on by the tomahawk chops of Jane Fonda and Ted Turner..."

he said.

Wait! Stop the Presses! Something Just happened! BREAKING NEWS -- we interrupt this rambling boredcast about how nothing's happening, to bring you this explosive piece of late Breaking News that can't wait, that you can't live without, that proves conclusively that nothing really ISN'T happening after all.

We take you, now, live, via screaming shocktime realaudio video, to Tom's River, New Jersey, where Nobel Peace Prize winner Bishop Desmond Tutu is about to -- be diagnosed with prostate cancer.

I take it all back.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F