Fight Stupid Consumerism!! Buy my fucking book!! The Washington 
Wednesday, Jan 19, 2000
Reform Candidates Graham, Wadd, Blend Pornography, Religion
Saying that expletive deleted, the reform party today took a bold step forward in defining itself by defining itself as the party of either pornographic religiosity, or religious pornographicism. Whichever sticks. Or flies.

Spear-heading this new self-definition are the reform party's 2 exciting new candidates for president and vice president respectively or vice versa, Billy Graham and Johnny Wadd, who have both vowed to pool their vast resources both religious and pornographic, to help achieve a politics rated "permanent erection!" in the spiritual realm.

"At first we thought it should be rated "extra-holy" in the pornographic realm, and made from the DNA of a Twinkie," said Wadd."

"But then..." said Graham.

"....then they thought maybe it should be rated 'Not-Rated,' and be made outta the messenger RNA of a Dorito or saltine," interjected reform party platform author, Ron Jeremy, before whisking them away.

But, once outside in the reform party limo, Wadd immediately started getting all antsy about the Social Security plank.

Graham was getting antsy about the Puff Daddy constituency. He called him on the car phone. "Puffy... Baby...." etc.

On the way to Detroit, the limo stopped at a 7-11 if they still had them anywhere, and Graham got out and asked if you don't exist anymore. He shook hands and tried to garner or garnish their votes.

Back in the limo they had just received via wireless Palm Pilot printout or something, a copy of the new number 1 international financial newspaper that substitutes the word "monkey" for the word "money," then sits back and waits for international markets to fall from the pure and utter fucking absurdity of themselves.

They bought some books at Amazon, resold them on eBay, and bought some shares of Yahoo on E-trade with the profits.

As they approached the turnoff, Jeremy told the limo driver, Rodney King, to forget about getting off at this exit, and to just keep on driving into the night, past Motown, Larrytown, CurlyJoetown....

President Bush Wins Presidency In Secret Online Overnight Chat Room Election, Names Cabinet, Etc.
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - On account of it's 2000, or whenever, President Governor good-ole-boy George W. Bush accidentally held the 2000 election in an AOL or Yahoo chat room or somewhere last night.

The results were:

George W. Bush ---------- 1 billion votes
Pat Buchanan -------------- 500 million votes
Al Gore ----------------------- 3 votes

Tipper Gore was also arrested for voting twice for Al Gore.

The Supreme Court promptly OK'd the election results even though the election wasn't held in November like apparently it's supposed to be.

Supreme Court Chief Justice, Diana Ross or Clarence Thomas or whoever, stated the election would count on account of how like there were probably about a zillion times more people voting in this accidental election than there would have been if the election were held in November when it's apparently supposed to be.

After the landslide election victory, President Bush promptly gave an impromptu state of the union address in which he stated that, starting tomorrow, all non-good-ole-boys would be shot on sight, so if you weren't a good-ole-boy, you damn well better become one fast, but if you already were one, you didn't need to do a damn thing, which, if you're a good-ole-boy, is most likely what you were already doing anyway, so you REALLY didn't need to do a damn damn fucking fucking fucking thing. At all.

He also combined the cabinet and the Supreme Court into one branch of Congress and named all the people who'd be on or in it. Here it/they is/are:

Secretary of State: Jimmy Swaggart
Secretary of Defense: Jerry Fallwell
Secretary of the Treasury: Pat Robertson
Secretary of Commerce: Jim and Tammy Faye Baaker
Secretary of Labor: Billy Graham

Supreme Court Chief Justice: Clarence Thomas
Justice: Clarence Thomas Jr.
Justice: Clarence Thomas III
Justice: Long Dong Silver
Justice: Long Dong Silver Jr.
Justice: Long Dong Silver III
Justice: Robert Bork
Justice: Robert Bork Jr.
Justice: Robert Bork III
Justice: Tammy Faye Baaker
Justice: Ice Cube or Ice-T

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff: Ron Jeremy
Federal Reserve Chairman: Johnny Wadd or Johnny Depp
Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisors: Carol Doda

President Bush also appointed "Quayle" to take over in case Oliver Stone tried to pull another one of those Nixon Kennedy Debate Assassinations on him the way Willy Horton did on Governor what's his name, Moonbeam, or whoever.

Vice President and UN representative and foreign trade representative Tammy Faye Baaker was unavailable for comment.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it
Bush picks "Quayle" to chair new blue ribbon commission on "Bein' a fuckin' dumbass in the 21st century."

Cuban boy seeks asylum in International House of Pancakes

Supreme Court grants International House of Pancakes diplomatic immunity

IHOP buys AOL, will replace maple syrup with Steve Case

World ends. Hollywood too fuckin' crass to notice, just keeps on hyping Angelina Jolie or Gwyneth Paltrow or whoever

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