Tuesday, January 28, 1997
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Partying Porkers Penetrate Peruvians

Lima, Peru - (Jan 28) - The Green Babe Porkers, winners of Sunday's XXXI-rated Stupor Blow, in an unexpected development early this morning, have rescued the 72 diplomats and other nepotist freeloaders, held hostage by Peruvian Tupac Shakur rebels, in the Japanese Ambassador's residence in Lima, Peru.

]   "Apparently," said ex-coach and current network Pork-caster, Mike Dipshit, scarfing down a couplea cows and pigs as he spoke, "The Porkers really tied one on last night, if you know what I mean, and in the course of looking for a place to take, like, you know, a pee or whatever, apparently went in the wrong door and wound up in a Boeing 747 bound for Lima."

According to Dipshit, recently named lead singer for pop group, Pavement, "The Porkers weren't so fucking stupid or so fucked up that they couldn't tell the difference between a porta-potty and a 747 -- they just thought it really was a porta-potty, made up to look like a 747 -- in their honor."

A source at Lima International Airport indicated that, upon arrival, the Porker team members, "didn't seem to realize they'd just flown several thousand miles, and came dancing outta' the plane in, like, a butt-fucking conga line or something, and headed off, lookin' for the next party."

"The Porkers knew they'd found the best party in town when they got to the Japanese Ambassador's place," said an anonymous Porker spokesman. "Cause all these, like, punkers or hippies, or whatever, in fatigues, were, like, driving around, blasting their radios and bouncing cop-killer bullets off each others' vehicles."

Not to be outdone, the Porkers launched into their own version of the Peruvian National Anthem, "Louie Louie", and started giving their own version of the Peruvian national flower, the finger.

"Then," said Jorge Luis Borges, an Argentinian member of the Peruvian national militia, "Someone tossed a pineapple into the compound, and the Porkers, out of some kind of Pavlovian thing, just boogied on in after it."

Moments later, the Tupac Shakur rebels came rushing out.

"Man, they just embarrassed the fuck out of us," said Tupac Shakur rebel leader, Tupac O. Shakur, in an interview given inside a Peruvian paddy wagon.

"All that shit about how 'it's just one big team effort out there,' and 'we're number 1!' and 'we're back!' and then they're like dancin' around and dumpin' garbage cans of ice water on each other, kickin' each other in the balls, rammin' their fuckin' 'things' into every aperture and orifice in sight, regardless of size -- shit, I'll take death or capitalism over being around those guys."

When informed that those raging-hormone-driven porkers were, in fact, the essence, epitome and apotheosis of late capitalism, the rebel leader said, "Oh," and quietly shot himself in the head.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F