Tuesday, February 4, 1997
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In a surprise press conference held early this morning, representatives of the National Basketball Association, the National Football League, Major League Baseball, and the Extreme Championship Wrestling Association announced that the 4 sports would merge into a single generic sport, to be played "at a higher level of abstraction."

]   "We haven't really worked out all the details of our new generic sport yet," said Kirk Vomit Jr., current president of the National Basketball Association, "Because, you know, it's at a higher level of abstraction, an all, -- but, we all agree that old-style reality is, like, waaay outta' gas -- and, like, to keep cashin' in, we've gotta all join forces and move waaay beyond it."

Rebecca Kramer, of Swampscot, Mass., the current interim, absentee president of Major League Baseball, then kinda wandered onto the podium in some kinda drug haze or something and just started free-associating the kinds of things we could expect to see from the new National Generic BallThing Association League or Whatever.

"Like, you know," she said, "There'll be, like, whole games played entirely on the level of metaphor, or, you know, games where every play is somehow ironic, or, like, games where the teams try to out-meditate each other, or like, games that go on for decades, where members of each side just lie around on the field, astral projecting themselves to a point on the astral plane where they then try to kick the living fuck out of each other.

"You know, we'll have, like, the Generic Playoffs, in some air auditorium, played entirely with abstractions of play-objects -- like the throwing-catching object, or the score-zone-protector object, or the hitting-striking object, or the universal-boundary-line object -- all of which can be instantiated by the viewers at home with, not boring old material objects from everyday life, but with, like, deep personal emotions drawn from, like, digital past-life regressions or like, off-world reincarnation databases, or whatever.

"Instead of using well-trained, highly-skilled, athletes to play the game, we'll find, like, the 200 most finely tuned, peak-of-their-game, athletes in the world, and then we'll use, like, their barbers or their hairdressers or their agents to play to game."

Presidente Zero, president of the Extreme Championship Wrestling Association, also wandered onto the podium, also in some kind of apparent drug haze, but more of a Ritalin-DMT-Angel Dust kinda haze than the Psilocybin-Beer haze that the interim Major League Baseball President was in.

Inhaling helium or heroin as he spoke, he ended the press conference with some kind of totally unrelated stream-of-possible-TV-spin-offs and State of the Union Messages that the new Sport would generate. -- Spinoffs like "Bowling for Athletes' Bodyguards," or, like, "Athletes' Lawyers Squares," or "Athletes' Stock-brokers Professional Wrestling," or "Athletes' Daughters Fist-Fucking Party."


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F