Friday, February 5, 1999
Senate Votes "YES" on
NO Live Witnesses

Wash, DC - (Feb 5) - By a better than two-thirds majority of 70-30, the US Senate voted yesterday to NOT call live witnesses in the impeachment trial of Bill Clinton, to testify about what a draft-dodging, pot-smoking, Charles Manson, free love, 60's hippie radical communist draft-dodger pot-smoker he is.

Then, by a margin of 68 to 32, the senators voted that, instead, the witnesses would be taken to the so-called "well" of the Senate where the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court Restaurant, William Rehnquist, would austerely butcher them till they are no longer "live" witnesses and can, therefore, testify totally truthfully.

The entrails of the no longer live witnesses will then be read by Senate soothsayers to determine whether Clinton is really guilty of being a pot-smoking draft-dodging 60's Charles Manson free love and peace hippie communist radical or whether he's just some plain old garden variety pot-smoking draft-dodger or even maybe just a pot-smoking apathetic MTV, multi-pierced, tattooed, no attention span whatsoever 80's slacker Gen-Xer, cleverly disguised as a pot-smoking 60's communist acid-dropping VW bus driving hippie Charles Manson mass murderer hippie communist pot smoker.

Hillary Will Marry Right Wing Butt-boy Drudge

First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton announced today that immediately following the impeachment trial of her husband she would be divorcing and marrying courageous, right-wing butt-boy Matt Drudge.

"There's something about a courageous right-wing butt-boy citizen-journalist," Hillary told People Magazine, "that just makes me NOT wanna be with a pot-smoking, draft-dodging, free love, bell-bottom wearing, tie-dyed 60's radical hippie communist anymore, even if he really is only just a multi-pierced, MTV, no attention span, tattooed, Kurt Cobain suiciding ecstasy dropping, slacker, pot-smoking apathetic Gen-Xer only pretending to be a communist radical Charles Manson bell-bottom 60's pot-smoking draft-dodging hippie.

Following the marriage, to be held in right-wing butt-boy Matt Drudge's $600 Hollywood apartment, the couple will depart in right-wing butt-boy Matt Drudge's 1986 GEO Metro, to honeymoon for 3 days in sunny, flat, Irvine, California.

Sidney Blumenthal, a mutual friend of the couple, will serve as best man.

V-Chip Flops in Stores

The much ballyhooed, much discussed, much debated, so-called "V" Chip has apparently been an utter fucking flop when it comes to retail sales.

"In all our 1800 stores, we have sold exactly 2 V-chips in the 3 months since their release, 3 months ago," said an only lightly angel-dusted Toys 'R US employee.

The V-chip is designed to write the complete text of Thomas Pynchon's 1963 novel "V" across any TV screen it's connected to whenever the set is turned on, thereby drowning out whatever show is actually on, regardless of nature or channel, because, obviously, if it's on TV it's gotta be an utter fucking worthless piece of sick lying capitalist-loving bullshit.

"The failure of the V-Chip," said president Rebecca Kramer of leading V-Chip manufacturer, V-chips R' Us, "is causing us to seriously re-think our strategy for the future. And, as it stands now, we've frozen all further development on both our Gravity's Rainbow Chip, and our Crying of Lot 49 Chip."

Bush-Quayle 2000

Exceedingly creeeeeeepy Texas governor, George W. Bush, has chosen even creeeeepier former Vice-President creeepy creeepy creeeeepy stupid dumb moron Dan Quayle to be his Vice-President.

"This shows just how downright fiscally fucking responsible and conservative I am," said Bush, "since by choosing Quayle to be my VP means we can just re-use all those old leftover Bush-Quayle posters and stationery from the '88 and '92 election campaigns, which I have, of course, with much frugality and fiscal responsibility, personally saved out in the garage next to all my shotguns and pickup trucks and ten gallon hats and bronco riding awards and chaps and rodeo posters and pictures of John Wayne and cowboy boots and shotguns and dead bodies and shotguns and stuffed birds and shotguns and little toy electric chairs."

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC