Wednesday, February 12, 1997
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Technology May Be a Load of Shit, MIT Study Finds

Technology may just be a "motherfucking load of crap," a recent study by a crack team of top MIT researchers claims.

The study spent 5 years looking very closely at 5 distinct technologies to determine whether they really were or weren't utterly fucking bogus.

"The first technology we looked at was the Hubble Telescope," said, MIT E.E. Department chair and leader of the research team, Dr. Rebecca Kramer.

"Since it's made with 1930's technology, it has specialized hardware that recognizes, like, Al Capone and Bugsy Siegel and Elliot Ness, but it doesn't recognize much else and, in reality, just sits out there in space, sending back maybe a random bit or two every couplea days. Once the lab down on earth collects, say, 30 or so of these bits, it sends them over to some stoned-out guy with a pirated copy of Photo Shop, in a backroom somewhere, and, like, those breath-taking vistas you see of far-off galaxies and black holes, are, really, just the images this guy produces when they hold back his Prozac for a couplea days."

Though the study was entirely funded by the Nut-Shooter Foundation, and though Nut-Shooter Technology and Nut-Shooter Theory were objects of the team's study, Kramer insisted that this had no effect whatsoever on the final outcome of their research.

"Though the Nut-Shooter Foundation is essentially funding our study," said Dr. Kramer, sipping an '82 Latour as we cruised down Mass. Ave. in the back of her bot-driven Mercedes limo," I can assure you that they've had absolutely no influence on the outcome of our study."

The Nut-Shooter Foundation was, uh, founded to advance the proposition that about 98% of all human violence is ultimately attributable to raw, male, testosteronic lust. (The other 2%, of course, being attributable to, like, Zena, Warrior Princess and Maria Conchita Alonzo.)

By strapping a .44 magnum automatic pistol onto the male testicles, and linking its firing mechanism to the brain's neural activity via a 200 MHz MMX-enhanced pentium-based multi-processing system running a proprietary version of an early alpha version of the Windows '97 Operating System, called Windows for Nut-Shooters, male lust can be nearly eliminated -- thus eliminating almost all violence from society -- or so Nut-Shooter Theory goes.

"The Nut-Shooter neural analyzer software," said Kramer, "Was written specifically for the Nut-Shooter hardware by Microsoft, and, in fact, some of it was even hand-coded by either Nathan Mhyrvold on acid or Steve Ballmer on angel dust. It detects when the mind begins thinking lustful thoughts, and at the first sign, releases the safety on the magnum with a loud click, to warn the subject. At the second instance of lust, the hammer is cocked. After that..." Dr. Kramer took another sip of wine and laughed, as the limo screeched left down Pearl St, against the light.

Though admitting the possibility of some unforeseen side effects, Kramer considered these negligible. "The main thing," she said, "Is that this is the only technology we studied that appears to offer any real advancement to the fundamental nature of the human spirit. I mean, ultimately, cell phones are just a cheesy replacement for, like, yelling real loud. So who cares?"

Kramer's group also found the concept of airplanes and human flight to be utterly bogus.

"Those 5 or 6 recent so-called 'near-misses' between military aircraft and stuffed commercial airliners, are sort of the final proof," she said. "I mean, if the technology really worked, the military aircraft wouldn't have missed their targets by anything at all -- now would they.

The study also debunked two other leading human technologies, but, when asked what they were, Kramer, for the life of her, couldn't remember.

"I'll have to have my chauffeur or vintner get back to you on that one," she said.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F