Monday, February 15, 1999
Hallmark Valentine Cards Destroy Actual Lives

Kansas City, MO - (Feb 15) - A programming glitch in online web greeting card provider Hallmark Card's website,, has apparently destroyed the lives of over 9 million people as of this morning, and counting.

According to an industry analyst who forgot to leave his name, the glitch affected all Valentine's Day greeting cards sent from in which the sender types in his or her own original message to be printed on the card and set in some trademarked Hallmark type setting -- like, probably, in the middle of some trademarked original Hallmark flowers specially created for Hallmark from raw DNA and owned exclusively by Hallmark so no one else can even use their image or name without paying some exorbitant royalty or something.

"There were apparently 2 parts to the glitch," the analyst told reporters. "The first part accidentally added the letters "r sweet ass" directly after the word "you" wherever it appeared in the original message."

The analyst went on to say how the second part of the glitch simply replaced the word "love" with the words "wanna stick my tongue way way up."

According to an official Hallmark spokesman who forgot to leave his name, the company has so far received over 9 million emails from disgruntled Valentine's Day card recipients and senders, all claiming their lives have been totally permanently destroyed forever by the glitch.

"But, on the bright side," the spokesman said, "we have received several thousand emails from people all over the world who claim our special Valentines card has given their life a whole new more positive meaning."

Clinton Arrives In Mexico For Drug Deal

President Clinton arrived in Mexico today or last night, whichever, for a meeting with Mexican President Ernesto "Che" Zedillo to discuss getting a better drug deal for America from its neighbor to the south.

Mexico's war against bad drugs coming to America, including a $400 million drug tasting program personally carried out by President Zedillo himself, will be the main topic of discussion, and Clinton will personally receive a live demonstration of Zedillo personally testing out American-bound drugs to make sure they're of high enough quality for the American drug market.

The leaders are also expected to discuss trying to find a mutually agreeable solution to how there just don't seem to be enough good Sasha Montenegro flicks on Telemundo anymore.

"Stiff economic sanctions could be imposed on Mexico if both the quality and the quantity of its drug shipments to the US aren't drastically improved and fast," said a White House Spokesperson, who was, like, too totally stoned out on Mendocino sensemilla to leave his name.

As part of the US side of the drug trade agreement, Clinton will apparently promise to spend an additional $500 million dollars, this year, to assist the San Diego crystal meth industry in better promoting its goods and services throughout Mexico's Baja California peninsula.

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