Tuesday, February 18, 1997
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Walter Cronkite's new Novel, "Peter Jennings Took a Nice Long Piss in My Soup" is scheduled for release at the end of March, from Coca Cola Books, a division of Smirnoff Publishing, a division of ESPN Leisure, a division of ABC Entertainment, a division of Starwave Productions, a division of the Disney Company, a division of Dr. Bronners Herbal Soap-Flavored Pasta and Entertainment.

The novel is about the time Peter Jennings allegedly took a nice long piss in Walter Cronkite's soup, and will be number 1 on the New York Times Bestsellers List, next week, four weeks prior to its actual release date. (The New York Times Bestsellers List is a division of the Campbell Soup Company, a division of Johnny Walker Entertainment, a division of Toyota Publishing, a division of John Wayne Bobbit Enterprises, a division of Walter Cronkite Inc., a division of UniGene!.)

According to Peter Jennings, an employee of Fox Broadcasting, a division of Reverend Moon Industries, a division of CIA Enterprises, a division of Cher Inc, a wholly owned subsidiary of Turner-Malone-Angel Dust, a division of Whatever the Fuck Institute of Technology, "I never in my life took a piss in Walter Cronkite's Soup -- nice, long, or otherwise. However, if I had, you know, like, taken a nice long piss in his soup, I wouldn't feel all that fucking bad about it, given, you know, all the alleged thick bloody logies he's allegedly hocked into total strangers' food. Just cause he, you know, fucking felt like it."

Toy manufacturer, Mattel Inc, a division of Armour Meat Packing Company, a division of Disney Entertainment, a division of Stolichniya Media, a division of Smith, Kline, Heroin Company, a division of Unibank, a division of UniComm, a division of UniCog, will release a new series of dolls based on the successful "Tickle Me, Elmo" or whatever doll and the popular JonBenet Ramsey murder or whatever case. The line will include such units as: "Display Me, Elmo;" "Abuse Me, Elmo;" "Rape Me, Elmo;" and "Autopsy Me, Elmo."

Though a "Murder Me, Elmo" doll was originally planned for the line, it was eliminated at the last minute because it was thought to be like, possibly, in, you know, like, bad taste, or something.

Kevorkian Franchises Ltd, a division of ABC News, a division of Westinghouse Chemicals, a division of Archer, Daniels, Midland Edible TinCan Rust, a division of Deutsche Telecom, a division of Grupo Norepinephrine, announced the opening of over 100 new franchise mall locations in all 35 major US media markets, to coincide with the February 28th crash of the US stock market.

Microsoft Corp, a division of the Los Angeles Dodgers, a division of Motorola, a division of Mitsubishi, a division of Jim Jones Entertainment, a division of David Koresh Books and Tapes, begins airing a new series of anti-drug ads, this week, which will recommend Active-X controls as the, like, substitute or replacement of choice for, like, heroin, cocaine and sex.

Marimba Corp, a division of the Charles Manson Foundation, a division of Hannibal Lecter Entertainment, will also release a new series of anti-drug commercials, later in the week, which will propose Java-enhanced Ram-It-Down-Your-Fucking-Throat Push Technology, as the ultimate, like, cure for like, sex, cocaine, heroin, and, like, market-driven suicide.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F