NY,NY - (Feb 25) - According to reliable sources close to the special prosecutor's office, the cosmos, or whatever, is merely all the failed compensations that follow naturally from the first imperfection in nothingness.

"Reality is really maintained," the anonymous source told a gathering of reporters, "By soulless people who don't really feel anything either way, and so have to pretend twice as hard as everybody else, with the side-effect of this extreme pretense being, apparently, reality."

Sink Hole Swallows San Diego

A huge gaping 700 foot long, 50 feet wide 70 feet deep sink hole has opened up right in the middle of San Diego county's route I-15. Though millions of cars had to be re-rerouted and millions of people are being forced to drive hundreds of miles out of their way in order to get to their destinations, most San Diego residents really like the big gaping sinkhole -- apparently, because it reminds them of themselves.

Peace Plan is Piece of Shit

An apparent peace plan, has apparently turned out to be, you know, just another piece of shit. Apparently the peace plan had been achieved using shuttle diplomacy, which is, like, when you take your enemy diplomats up in the space shuttle and tell them if they don't agree to your fucking peace plan, you'll push them out the fucking door.

According to Scorseses

According to a source close to the Pope's friend Bob, CNN has just learned that Ken Starr has just learned that the White House has just learned that Monica Lewinsky has just learned that Geraldo has just learned that Matt Drudge has just learned that Susan McDougal has just learned, that Jim Guy Tucker has just learned that learning itself has just learned that the greatest author since sliced bread has just revealed that if it isn't perfectly rational to go insane, then what is?