Friday, February 26, 1999
Animals Apparently Just
Fakin' It, Journal Finds

New, England - (Feb 26) - According to a report in this month's New England Journal of Medicine, animals are apparently just pretending to not have high-bandwidth world-wide instantaneous communications networks based on, centuries ago, figuring out how to harness the informational content of neutrinos using only Mind.

Researchers at the New England Journal of Medicine Laboratories in Bethesda, New England first got wind of this when a sign language-trained chimpanzee mistakenly swallowed a couplea extra pints of LSD, one day last January and, in between signing things like, "Oh wow, man! Like, Greeeeen!!" apparently kept gabbing away about how animals are just putting on one big dumb act for humans, not unlike the one humans are putting on for animals.

According to the chimpanzee, like, for example, when a little kitty is just sitting there, curled over licking its ass for a couplea minutes, what it's really doing is checking its email and getting the latest news on inter-animal wars around the world and the latest numbers from international animal stock markets like about how, for example, white-male-human futures are down 40 cents in light trading.

Survey Shows "Kicks" Apparently Just Keep Gettin' Harder to Find

According to a Gallup survey of today's youth, 68% claim that so-called "kicks" apparently just keep gettin', you know, like all "harder to find," an all.

"It's not, like, like it was when our parents were kids," said retired 17 year-old former wunderkind Oakland Raiders head coach, Mark Lindsay of Revere Mass. "Kicks are, like, definitely much much harder to find now than they ever were, and they keep gettin', you know, like, even harder to find, an shit. Definitely."

And, according to Lindsay, "kicks" ain't bringin' him piece of mind, either!!! Or piece of anything!!!

"Sometimes, when I'm realllly stooooooooned," he said, "I start to think that like, hey, maybe I, like, DON'T realllly need kicks to help me face, you know, the world each day. -- But then I get straight for a couplea minutes and realize that was just the drugs talkin'."

Hey Hey, Everybody's the Monkees

According to a report in this week's New England Journal of Medicine, if Christ is the Beatles, then everybody else is just the Monkees.

However, in an article in this morning's Waltz Treat Journal, William Satire claims that if Christ is Hannibal Lecter, then everybody else is just Reagan. So why bother?

Key Leverage Points Discovered!!

Researchers at MIT, the Mass Haaa-Choooo! Institute of Technology, announced a startling new discovery, today, which could change man's understanding of man's place in the universe.

"Apparently," said MIT president, Rebecca Kramer, "there are certain key leverage points where a vendor can improve its value proposition to users, thereby locking in members and driving revenues."

Clearly, this startling new discovery could change man's understanding of man's place in the universe.

Members Locked In!!!

Several members of the American Membership Association and the Union of Concerned Association Members complained today that they'd been totally "locked in" by a so-called "vendor" suddenly improving its slimy "value proposition."

"I was just sitting there, minding my own business," said AMA and UCAM member, Garth Register Jr., "when suddenly, without warning, some fucking 'vendor' comes along and starts trying to improve his or my fucking 'value proposition' all over me -- if you know what I mean. I mean, I felt, you know, totally locked in by driving revenues!!!

The FTC, in response, is requesting that everybody involved please take a few seconds to quietly and contemplatively blow themselves and the driving revenues they drove in on.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC