Thursday, February 27, 1997
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Grams for Grannies

Barnstable, MA - (Feb 27) - A buncha elderly old ladies got together last night to give each other awards for bein', like, the best granny or something.

Highlight of the evening was when creepy pop diva or whatever, Madonna, appeared, unexpectedly, to announce that her expectant daughter, Chastity Bono Cobain, would be giving birth to her biological father's clone, in a few minutes, so that, long before the end of the show, she, Madonna, would, like, also be a granny, and therefore should receive a granny award to put beside her golden globe award for best performance/song by a really bad actress/singer.

Despite the fact that everybody swore they were totally off drugs forever, the evening had this, like, weird feel to it. Songs were cut off in the middle with no explanation. Whole major categories of awards were forgotten, and replaced by awards for like, Best New Single By a Dead Vocalist, or Best New Dead Pop Group, or Most Inspirational Song By a Multiple Suicide, or Most Frothy Pop Ditty by a Serious Manic-Depressive.

Like, people who you swore looked like Jimmy Hendrix or Kurt Cobain, suddenly appeared at the mike, center stage, saying like, "You know, I would have been 30 on Thursday if I, like, hadn't committed suicide 2 years ago."

John Wayne Bobbitt won an award for Best Country Vocal Or Something. Some music critic came up to the podium and said, "I like his music. It's really cerebral and moody. He plays a very detached organ."

Product placemats were everywhere. Coke introduced its new flavor, Cerebro-Spinal Fluid. In an appropriately shaped can.

Louie-Ferdinand Celine and Dion and the Belmonts won the award for Best Duo, Where One Of The Two Members Of The Duo Is, Itself, A Group, And Both Members Of The Duo Are Entities You Really Wouldn't Expect To See On The Same Fucking Planet, Let Alone The Same Fucking Galaxy Or Cosmos.

Corpus Callosum won the award for Best New Album for their CD, "Vertical Blackout Interval"

MPEG-VII sang their new hit "Biologic Compression"

Best New Talmudic Group: Yehudi and the Blowfish

Best New 60's Group: Country Joe and the Blowfish

Record Of The Year: "Exchange the World"

Album of the Year: "Spitting into Your Food"

Song of the Year: "Short Change the World"

Best New Song by the Beatles: "Hey Hey, We're the Beatles."

Before the ceremonies were even half over, endless Executive Producer credits started rolling over the image, and lasted for the duration of the show.

Pepsi announced a new flavor, Celebrity Urine, to compete with Coke's new flavor, Cerebro-Spinal Fluid. The Celebrity Urine flavor is updated on a daily basis, using a running average of samples taken from the top 5 box office grossing leading actors, current granny winners, current number 1 record lead singer, current number 1 album lead singer, current US President, current leading NBA scorer, NHL scorer, winner of the most recent WCW Clash of Titans, etc., and so is impervious to taste tests.

Worst New Madonna Clone: Madonna

Best New Artist: Grandma Moses

Charles Grodin won the Special Lifetime Achievement Award for his new book: "Dumbing Down Stupidity"

Coolest New HMO: Disney's Goofy Hospital City

Best Alternative to Music Altogether: Drugs

Best Alternative to Drugs: Music

Lifetime Achievement Award for Best Pop Duo: Drugs and Music

Best New Book About the Music Industry: "Cashier in the Rye"


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F