Kill All Right-Wing Shitbags!!
Wash, DC - ( March 4) - Vice President Al Gore, today, or was it yesterday? confessed to being a crack-addicted communist lesbian cross-dressing transvestite drag queen clone spy alien cyborg, but stated categorically that, in driving a truckload of babies off a cliff, he had broken no law, but that he wouldn't do it again anyway, because it gave, "Like, the appearance of impropriety, or whatever."
Gore explained how he'd rented a U-Haul truck, loaded it up with fertilizer, kerosene, and freshly-kidnapped babies, then floored it in the direction of a steep ocean cliff, jumping out just moments before it careened over the edge, tumbling end over end down the embankment and smashing into microscopic pieces on the jagged rocks below while simultaneously exploding and "reinventing" the shoreline.
"I had planned to run around to the back of the truck, open it up and get all the kids out, just in the nick of time, to give these, like, underprivileged children a sort of Disneyland type experience, which I knew their parents wouldn't be able to otherwise afford for them," said Gore, noticeably trying to restrain himself from grabbing and biting the head off a bat that was slowly circling above the assembled reporters and dignitaries in the Green Room of the White House.
"Unfortunately, my timing was a little off that day, and I was unable to get around and open the back of the truck in time to save all their little lives -- but, again, my lawyer tells me that there is no controlling legal authority or case that says there was any violation of law whatsoever."
Gore also indicated that the bug in Microsoft Internet Explorer which allows anyone to totally read and then trash your entire hard drive as well as physically grind your computer to powder, may have been responsible for his inability to save the truckload of kids before it went over the edge of the cliff.
Showing noticeable signs of scandal fatigue and compassion fatigue, Gore admitted that President Clinton was also a lesbian drag queen and that the two of them were, in fact, fucking.
Gore also mentioned, in passing, that he may have blown up the Oklahoma City Federal Building, or whatever, but even if he did, according to his lawyer, he'd done nothing wrong and broken no law.
"The truck was legally parked," said Gore, "And had no outstanding parking or speeding tickets, was registered, had passed smog inspection, and its rental fee was paid in full. I went through no red lights or stop signs and maintained the legal speed limit throughout my trip from the kerosene and fertilizer store to the federal building.
"Now, it is true that on a few occasions, I did fuck and murder JonBenet Ramsey, but I was advised there was nothing wrong with that practise. The Hatch act does have a specific provision which says that fucking and murdering 6 year old beauty queens is not legal for anybody in the White House -- but the President and Vice President are not covered by that act.
"Nevertheless, I have unilaterally decided that I won't do this again, even if JonBenet Ramsey is really still alive and living in France with Jimi Hendrix, Jimi Morrison, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, John Belushi, and Tupac Shakur.
"I also never solicited any money from a maid or cook or shoeshine boy or driver or housekeeper, in the White House, nor would I."
Gore then turned around and began manipulating his face and hair with his hands, in a way that the audience couldn't see, then turned back to face them, in, like, a Jimmy Cagney squint or whatever, and said "Please note that any confession just given to you was fabricated by my office in an attempt to entrap the real killer or bomber or motherfucker or whatever.
"The person for whom the alleged confession was intended had a history of criminal activity and incitement to violence and the bogus confession was intended to confuse him into thinking that he was safe or whatever and besides, this supposed document was not a legitimate defense memorandum and not a confession of any sort anyway and I categorically deny committing any crime and I did not hack into any computer system nor assist anyone in hacking into any computer system and all these documents and confessions were obtained lawfully and through routine news gathering techniques such as lying and being a dickhead."
The speech or press conference or whatever was interrupted several times by several members of the Senate Rules Committee, shouting in unison, their self-serving slogan, "The Senate Rulez! The Senate Rulez!"
President Clinton, who wandered by and noticed the crowd, tried to give an impromptu confessional speech of his own about the government's stand on the cloning of humans, but he was shouted down by the press who told him that was yesterday's news and nobody cared. Then they begged him to give them some kinda hint for a new scandal, cause all the old ones were already getting, you know, kinda boring.
In fact, a reporter for the Dallas Boring News pleaded for, not just another new scandal, but for "A whole new category of scandals, a whole new dimension of scandals -- whatever -- even if it's total fabrication. We'll buy anything you give us as long as it's filthy and stupid."
The President acknowledged that he had sorta become, you know, kinda the entertainer-in-chief or whatever, and understood that it was incumbent upon him to keep coming up with whole new scandal routines, otherwise writers and journalists would have nothing to write about except the vagrant stomach rumblings which were the coin of communication within their own, like, brains, or whatever.
Gore also denied not being on acid during all these events, but admitted that, had it not been for wife Tipper, herself notorious for never not being on acid, who'd advised him to not ever not be on acid, he might have not been on acid during all these events.
In the end, showing signs of scandal control fatigue, Gore told journalists, "Look, assholes. This isn't about fucking money. It's about ego and blowjobs. And you know it is. Now shut the fuck up and mind your own business."
When asked point blank, by probing reporters, whether or not there was any controlling legal authority or case that said there was any violation of law whatsoever, Gore responded, point blank, that there was "No controlling legal authority or case that said there was any violation of law whatsoever."
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