Wednesday, March 5, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Clinton, Gore Resign

Wash, DC - ( March 5) - At 12:01 this morning, Madeleine Albright was sworn in as the first woman and 36th or whatever President of the United States in the wake of the sudden simultaneous resignations of former President Bill Clinton and former Vice President Al Gore.

Though the Clinton-Gore White House has recently been rocked by daily new scandals involving all the fucking slimy and illegal blowjobs they gave fat cats in order to raise enough money to compete with the blowjobs their slimy Republican counterparts were also giving approximately the same fat cats, neither Clinton nor Gore, in their speeches, claimed this as the reason for their joint resignation. According to Clinton, the two men were stepping down, simply because they were coming out as lesbians and wanted to get their TV show on the air before Ellen DeGeneres could air her own "hey, look at me, I'm coming out as a lesbian" TV show.

"We think we have a powerful story to tell," said Clinton, "About the two most powerful men in the world, and how they give it all up for love and to come out as lesbians on TV.

"But we only have a small window of opportunity. If we don't get our story on TV before Ellen DeGeneres, then she'll own the whole lesbian thing, and we'll never be able to break through. But if we get our story out first, we know we'll kick her mofo ass, ratingswise. I mean, she's just a chick who decides to be a lesbian or whatever. So fucking what? What's so fucking special about that?? But we're, like, two guys who fall in love and decide to become lesbians and do a TV show about it. That's, like, layers of complexity!"

The former President stared off into space for a moment, and got all misty-eyed, estimating how many Nielsen ratings points they'd get for each layer.

"Anyway," the former President continued, "Since it's clear we could never do the show and run the world at the same time, we've decided to do what's most important for the American people and resign our positions.

"It's also become clear to me," the former President continued, "That this country is now running essentially on auto-pilot anyway, and doesn't really need us anymore -- if, in fact, it ever really needed us. And it doesn't need the congress, either, or the cabinet departments or the Supreme Court. Cause, in a complex, dynamic world like ours, a slow, stodgy, ignorant vehicle like Government is simply incapable of influencing the course of events -- so why even fucking bother? Other than for, like, you know, massive blowjobs and all that fucking ego shit.

"I mean, like, all these suits up here, runnin' around and crowin', won't make the inevitable Fall come any faster or any slower, no matter what they say or do or eat or screw. And, once the Fall begins, they sure as fuck won't be able to stop it. Though, of course, they will be well-positioned to, like, take the money and run."

The President rambled on for a few more hours, never once mentioning campaign financing or illegal contributions or the price of blowjobs, and then finally stepped down and let Gore talk.

Former Vice-President Gore, smirking like a motherfucker, came up to the podium, held up a copy of his $40 million dollar contract with Fox, and menacingly waved it at the crowd.

"Forty Mil," crowed Gore. "4 years. 100 Shows, Minimum."

As the crowd of reporters in attendance cheered wildly, Gore smiled and nodded, "That's right. That's right." Then he silenced them with his raised arms.

"Man, lemme tell you all how fucking boooored I was with this place. (laughter and cheers from the crowd) You know, Tipper and the kids and I hadda, like, drop acid everyday, just to stay awake. -- But now we've got this deal with Rupert (waves the contract in the air again, to more wild applause) -- which means that from now on, all we have to do -- is -- like -- just be ourselves -- no more lying, cheating, lying, begging, lying, stealing, and no more of those seemingly endless, endlessly distasteful blowjobs -- uhh, except for you, of course, Rupert."

Shortly after the announcement and the swearing in of Madeleine Albright and Newt Gingrich as President and Vice President respectively, Rupert Murdoch, President or whatever of Fox broadcasting and other slimy communications entities, announced that he was coming out as drag queen, Rupert Paul, and would be challenging drag queen Mayor Rudy Giuliani, for the drag queen mayoralty of New York in '98, or whenever.

Ted Turner also announced that professional slimebag and creepy pseudo-wrestler, Hulk Hogan, would be coming out as a lesbian on the WCW 9th Starcade '97 Championship Pay-per-view Extravaganza, or whatever, to be broadcast the day before the Clinton-Gore Lesbian Hour debuts.

Hogan, in a speech to the press on gun control, announced that if he won the big match or championship or whatever, he'd immediately pass legislation requiring child safety locks on all guns used by State and Federal police officers, in order to, like, slow down all the looney, murderous, child cops out there.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F