Friday, March 6, 1998
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Ice On Moon

The Moon - (Mar 6) - A research team at NASA's Ames Research Center has confirmed today that ice does, in fact, exist on the surface of the moon.

"The reason we didn't see the ice before," said Ames chief administrator, Jack Ames, "Is because, apparently, it was hidden behind a large bottle of rum and an extra large bottle of Coke."

The discovery of ice on the moon is a giant step forward in establishing a manned space colony there, since, now, the colonists from earth will only need to bring the vodka, tomato juice, and some glasses.

"If they had to bring the ice too," said Ames, "There would only be enough room for a week's supply of food, and why bother going all the way to the moon if you're only gonna stay for a week?"

Ames also ruled out the possibility that the future moon colonists could get along without ice, saying, "Uhhh, like why go all the way to the fucking moon if all you're gonna do there is drink warm bloody mary's?"

Ames also ruled out the possibility that the future moon colonists would be willing to just do acid and other psychedelics on the moon, as there is, apparently, according to Ames, "No paisley shirt store there, so why would you wanna do acid?"

Tempers Flare Over Boredom

With tempers flaring on all sides, and anonymous sources taking leaks all over the Washington Post, and the White House attempting to squash the special prosecutor's penis, and the American people starting to get just a little bored shitless with the laconic stars of the Ken & Monica Show, the wacky media conspiracy of CNN, Newsweek, Rupert Murdoch, CBS, Goofy, ABC, Ted Turner, Ted Bundy, Ted Nugent, Walter Cronkite, the New York Times, the Moonies, David Brinkley, and John Hinkley, met in secret session late last night and decided it's time to get back to good old-fashioned hard news.

So, according to MSNBC or the WB Network, Ted Turner and Rupert Murdoch personally flew to Boston early this morning to roust the old cast and crew of last year's hit Nanny Trial out of bed, and personally give them quickie TV make-overs and drive them to the courthouse, to do a sudden, unexpected, totally improv sequel, Nanny Trial II.

But, apparently, somebody took this story and leaked it all over Ken Starr, who immediately sent his own special former-CIA prosecutor-ninjas to blow up the courthouse building so there couldn't be no stinking new Nanny trial.

But apparently the White House had this story leaked all over them too, and so they too immediately sent their own crack team of former New Yorker crack addicts to stop the former CIA prosecutors from blowing up the courthouse.

Unfortunately or however, the guy who really killed Kennedy, got there first and started using the courthouse phone lines to hack into Pentagon computers and plant trap doors and viruses, so that when accessed, the Army personnel database starts playing the part of the Nixon tape backwards where it's revealed that Ron Jeremy is really either Carol Doda or Oliver Stone.

Which, in fact, might have made it to the news, but when the Nanny trial was suddenly postponed due to exploding toilets in the boiler-room or something, CNN panicked and ran out and hired some guy in Connecticut to shoot up some government building, and kill 4 people and himself, so they could have a new story in time for breakfast on the west coast and lunch on the east. And brunch in the plains and mountain states.

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