Wednesday, March 10, 1999
Microsoft Confirms Glitch

Microsoft has today confirmed a glitch in its software. The glitch, like the glitch it confirmed yesterday and/or the day before and/or the day before that, and so on, causes either something to happen that shouldn't, or something to not happen that should.

"We are very sorry," said a spokesman for Microsoft, "about this glitch in our software that causes either something to happen that shouldn't or something not to happen that should. We are doing everything we can to, uhhh, you know, whatever. Also, blah blah, blah blah blah."

The glitch was first discovered by some guy somewhere at probably some company. He accidentally discovered it, one day, while he was doing something else, or else he was consciously looking for it.

But why would he be consciously looking for it? Maybe it was just his neuro-transmitters talkin'.

Shares of Microsoft stock went either up or down either because of or not because of whatever stuff was just described above. I'm too busy writing this to look back or remember what it was. Anyway, a spokesman probably said something like, "Hey, just lighten the fuck up, as this is probably only just a parody of re-writing all History from a post-genome-project understanding applied to the dug up skull bone DNA of all historical figures of the past. And it's probably already either metaphorically or literally been done before, so why even fucking bother?"

Then another spokesman or the same spokesman probably went on to promise to give out some highly privileged information, as a consolation prize for all their products sucking so much. "Very highly privileged information," he said. "Secret inside information about real people and their real thoughts and actions and deeds and motives that you've never heard of before, and couldn't possibly imagine. Things that no one could make up or believe, things that even random monkeys couldn't invent in a billion years using Pentium IIIs with 128K Megs of RAM."

Then another spokesman or the same spokesman said something about wasting time more efficiently so you'd have more time to waste more efficiently so you'd have more time to waste more efficiently and so on recursively, till you have an infinite amount of time and so, by the laws of stupid accidents, there's bound to be a fucking femtosecond in there somewhere that's not an utter fucking waste of time, and in a world of 10 billion people and a galaxy of 100 trillion of these 10-billion-people planets, if you pasted all their unwasted femtoseconds together with neutrinos, you would probably get, like, at least a cytosine or a guanine, or maybe even a millisecond of serotonin re-uptake inhibition, and starting from that, you could probably most certainly eventually go on to build a REAL world for the first time. So why not just shut the fuck up and play along with fate?

Uhh, so anyway, like, uhhh, Microsoft or some spokesman or something promised up the wazoo that "this so-called 'glitch' thing will absolutely positively, like, never happen again. But anyway, in the mean time, you can all stop worrying about privacy -- cause we already have all your privates."

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1999 by HC