Wednesday, March 17, 1999
Things Were Gonna Happen!!

LONDON (Reuters) -- Apparently, things were gonna happen!! They had just gotten money and blah blah blah. The rest was just a matter of time before it was History.

They had first done the cure on whoever lived across from them in the dorms, freshman year -- the cure where you almost die, but after you don't, you're never sick again -- and they became LONDON (Reuters) -- New "smart" random-dialing phones, random word-replacement voice technology, and designer random number generators, besides being actual products, will also be animated tattoos on spokespersons and "reps" at the CeBIT technology trade fair in Hanover, Germany which, according to the New York Times or Hustler or both, begins today and runs till March 25th.

But analysts wonder whether just dialing random numbers and talking for hours to whomever the fuck answers about whatever, is really what consumers want from physically implanted telecommunications products of the future with form factors modeled on slightly out-of focus replicas of failed telecommunications products of the past.

"Because there is no topic of discourse that isn't already just too stupid or boring and hasn't already been fully explicated better, centuries ago, by the dumbest fucking person alive at the time, lengthy speculative discussions about what some future random number might be and why, is pretty much the only area of interest or investigation left, these days, not only for TV talk shows hosts and politicians, but also for daily human life," said somebody who sounded like he probably knew he wouldn't still be alive if he didn't know how not to sound like he didn't know what the fuck he was talking about.

Fortunately, the information technology industry has the habit of launching new products that are utter fucking worthless pieces of shit, but become ultra-popular cash cows anyway, because they find a kindred spirit in the human heart.

Analysts, however, worry that, this time around, the public may either be too stoned, or not stoned enough, or neither.

German technology giant Semens AG will introduce its new line of Intelligent Semen. This is semen with subatomic wireless cable-modems in its mitochondria, or wherever, so it's always on the net and, at the moment of coronal mass ejection or whatever, does a complete TRW credit check on whoever's LONDON (Reuters) -- French telephone equipment maker Alcatel and Finland's Nokia will offer a small notebook bongwater purification system on a chip that includes a teleprompter for negotiating with police, and a new random customer-relations revenue-stream generator based on their new hand-held device known as "the cock."

"This new device," said French President Alain Robbe-Grillet, "will call a random customer off some random other company's random customer list and establish some random relationship based on less than nothing and pretty soon, voilà, you have zee revenue stream, or whatever. N'est-ce pas?"

These devices will go on sale in the US later this year.

But analysts wonder.

Analysts wonder, whether:

1) whether Starsky and Hutch, the inventors of the global telephone booth bomb, can find investors at however much a pop....

2) whether there are any conditionals whatsoever in the algorithm for human whatever....

3) whether the human whatever for whatever can, you know....

4) whether LONDON (Reuters) -- The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Fire Ants announced today that, having drunk all the alcohol they've confiscated, and having smoked all the tobacco, their agents will now proceed to slowly tongue all the fire ants.

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC