Monday, March 24, 1997
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Oscar Show Cancelled;
"Just Too Fucking Bogus"

LALA, CA - (March 24) - Tonight's scheduled, er, 69th annual Academy Awards Show, hosted by right wing "Weekly Standard" Editor or Publisher, Billy Crystal, has been cancelled at the last minute, apparently cause the whole thing is "just too bogus for anybody to bear."

"We just couldn't go on with it, cause the whole thing is just so fucking bogus," said famous Hollywood Director Dick Smith or John Jones or whoever, the current President of the Academy of Emotionless Pictures, Old Farts and Scientologists, which is apparently responsible for the Academy Awards Show, year after year after year.

"Most of the actors who were supposed to show up tonight," said Smith or Jones or whoever, "And make it all so fucking glamorous and star-studded, called me early this morning saying things like how they suddenly had this really vicious headache -- or if they didn't already have this really vicious headache, they were sure they were gonna, like, have this really vicious headache by later tonight and so, unfortunately, just wouldn't be able to, regretfully, make it -- but would be willing to send, like, their chauffeur or something, instead, of course."

He went on to state that most of the crew people who were supposed to work tonight's show, also called in with either violent headaches, or premonitions of distant plane crashes which they hadda leave immediately to try to prevent, and so, regretfully etc., wouldn't be able to make it, tonight, but would be glad to send their 8-year old kid or widowed aunt, to try to fill in.

An industry insider, who chose to remain anonymous, attributed all the no-shows and the cancellation to a "sort of domino effect of bogosity," which began late last week when supposed looney tune pianist manquee, David Helfgott, was caught talking absolutely normally -- like an everyday, average jerk -- rather than the manic, babbling, psycho, looney tunes jerk he's supposed to be, as depicted in Academy Award best picture nominee, Slime, or whatever.

Apparently some hacker had tricked both "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Egg" author, Clifford Stoll, and Helfgott into being in the same small room, at the same time -- both, ostensibly awaiting a TV appearance -- and then locked the door on them -- creating a kind of JP Sartre Huis Clos kinda thing, a sorta l'enfer c'est les autres, Luis Bunuel "Exterminating Angel," kinda thing... Which was then recorded for the next 4 hours.

When the tape was played back, both Stoll and Helfgott were seen, towards the end, talking to each other with the speech patterns and physical gestures of a couplea common, normal, garden variety, jock, frat brothers -- both laughing and admitting what a great con this whole fast-talking, stuttering, jumping around, weirdo thing has been, and all the books and tickets and tee-shirts and mugs and tie pins and pens and autographed photos and tumblers and ashtrays and bars of soap it's sold.

Academy President Jones or Smith, or whatever, however, denied that a domino effect sparked by this revelation was what led to the cancellation of this evening's Academy Awards Ceremony.

"And it wasn't caused by Billy Bob's bein' just maybe a tad too disingenuous when he says over and over again how gee shucks whiz he only thought maybe 25 people'd ever wanna see his dang old little personal film -- either." Jones or Smith said.

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