Friday, March 28, 1997
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Manson, Cimino Partner in Heaven's Gate Web Venture

Sacramento, CA - (March 28) - Convicted virtual mass murderer, Charles Manson, announced at his parole board hearing, yesterday, that he'd just signed a partnership agreement with has-been, riches-to-rags film director, Michael Cimino, for the purposes of purchasing the now exceedingly popular Heaven's Gate world wide web site, founded and formerly run by the recently suicided Higher Source website design religious cultists crew.

Manson, whose piercing gaze quickly blew out several Beta-cams when he momentarily removed his shades, informed the parole board and assembled reporters that his partnering with Cimino was really about "placing a new emphasis on development of mission-critical Java server-based applications."

"You see," said Manson, "Proprietary server platforms and operating systems and their associated applications are utterly for shit, when it comes to achieving leading edge price-performance that delivers value to end users, rather than simply a technology aimed at out-architecting its competitors."

Scott McNealy, president of Sun Microbrainstems, said he was currently attempting to, er, hammer out a partnering agreement with the Manson-Heaven's Gate Venture, as well, in order to gain access to the proprietary Manson technology.

"We need to shed this creepy container known as Java," said McNealy, neatly carving a stream of religious and political pictograms into his forehead as he addressed an audience of enthusiastic and blindly dedicated webclones, "And we need to become a lean mean suicide-murder cult multi-processor machine -- if we want to continue to grow marketshare-wise and bottom-line performance-wise."

Apparently CNET will also be partnering with the Manson venture in order to create yet another bland, generic site. This one, called "Manson for Kids," will feature licensed Disney characters acting out the "Helter Skelter" scenario, with the licensed Beatles song of the same name playing in the background, performed by the latest incarnation of the Monkees, featuring all the original, er, members, except Sammy Hagar replaces Davy Jones on vocals, dobro, and ocarina.

CNET, a purveyor of softcore technology info and child-spam software tech, has been actively courting Manson for months, now, according to CNET CEO, Kirk Vomit Jr.

"When it comes to film," said Vomit, "Fox and Warners own the brand names -- but when it comes to murder cults, there's only one king of the hill, and that's Charlie Manson brand murder cults. So, in this case, it's much easier just to partner with the established brand leader, than to try to create a whole new brand from scratch."

European director and jail-bait aficionado, Roman Polanski, has been hired to produce ultra-violent Quicktime and streaming RealVideo clips for the Manson-Cimino-SUN-CNET website venture.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F