Monday, April 26, 1999
  Elway calls it quits!!!

Denver, CO - (Apr 26) - Bob Elway, of Bob's Brake and Muffler out on Highway 9, announced today that he was definitely calling it quits, vis-a-vis, you know, the whole brake and muffler thing.

"I'm just fuckin' sick a' brakes, brakes, brakes," Elway told the guy passing out on the rat-chewed bar stool next to him, "and I've pretty much lost whatever passion I used to have for mufflers, too."

Elway has been in the brake and muffler business for 15 years, and at the peak of his career had been known to be able to replace the same muffler in the same car 3 separate times over the course of a month, without ever once getting it right.

"He could do a brake job so good," business associate, Jane Air, told reporters, "that by the time you noticed that he'd done it all wrong -- it was too late. If you know what I mean."

Despite wide-spread rumors, Elway totally denies he has any plans whatsoever of opening, like, a Bob's Radiator and Transmission, across from the Toyota dealership out on Highway 12.

Elway also claimed his sudden retirement has absolutely nothing to do with like how, a couple months ago, some vandals spray painted out the "ler" in 'Muffler" on his big sign out front.

"Calling it quits" definitely calling it quits

The act of calling it quits, has decided to, itself, totally call it quits, today."

"Yup," said a spokesman for the Association Of Calling It Quits Professionals, "'calling it quits' is definitely calling it quits."

But despite how like nobody seems to have quite noticed, the ramifications of "calling it quits" actually calling it quits appear to apparently be quite far-reaching and creepy.

"As a result of 'calling it quits' calling it quits," said MIT president, Rebecca Sunnybrook, "no one and nothing will ever be able to call it quits again. Therefore, everyone and everything will just have to go on and on and on -- forever! No bailing out. No death. No suicide. The game NEVER ENDS!"

Following the announcement, many people apparently became so fearful at the prospect of living forever, that they all suddenly just dropped dead.

Major virus hits TODAY!!!!

Yet another massively destructive computer virus now lying gently dormant in holes in billions of computer hard drives all over the world, is scheduled to stop lying gently dormant today, and quietly crash civilization as we used to think we knew it, but, of course, we didn't know shit about it and vice versa.

The virus, called CIH 1.2, infects Windows 95 and 98 .EXE files and is automatically created from scratch in memory whenever the phrase "calling it quits" appears more than 6 times in a single screenful of text on the computer's monitor.

Though it doesn't have as cool a name as the Melissa virus, it's much more destructive, as it causes the computer's hard drive to slowly grind itself into a white powder so fine it's almost a gas, accompanied by a high-pitched screech that makes everybody in the building just wanna lay down and die.

According to Rebecca Sunnybrook, director of quality assurance at Sunnybrook Farms Distillery and Anti-Virus Research Center, the CIH 1.2 virus "will not only vaporize your hard drive, but it will also make you wanna immediately BECOME the Home Shopping Network, once you get up from laying down and failing to die.

CIH was first discovered last year in Jersey City, New Jersey, according to Sunnybrook, who explained that the virus makes everybody's brain just go off into some surreal anti-universe where suddenly, contrary to the logic of emotion, people can suddenly, unexpectedly agree for a moment to stop being the utter fucking assholes they've been all their lives. And then everything just goes blank.


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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC