Tuesday, April 29, 1997
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Republic of Texas Comes Out as First Lesbian State

Davis, TX - (April 29) - The Republic of Texas Militia announced, today, from their besieged, heavily fortified compound just west of Davis, that their newly formed secessionist Republic of Texas will officially come out as a lesbian during the Ellen de Generes Show, this Wednesday night at 8:00 or 8:30 or so PM.

According to unarmed sources, the new independent lesbian republic will either be called the Lesbian Republic of Texas, or Lesbos -- and has already signed a 13-episode pay or play or whatever deal with ABC for a sitcom to debut in late June.

All this Texas bullshit started a couplea days ago, when members of a breakaway faction of the Republic of Texas Militia burst into the home of some guy whose fucking guts they hated, and started shooting, killing, maiming, and taking hostages -- though the fact that only 2 people were there, kinda prevented it from becoming, like, you know, a Tupac Amaru kinda thing, or even a Tupac Shakur kinda thing or, of becoming, even, for that matter, any Tupac anybody or anything kinda thing, at all. No matter what. So why bother?

Since then, Texas Police and maybe some kind of weird clandestine federal troops have surrounded the heavily fortified compound -- which, in reality, is just a rusted out old 1-room trailer with a '53 DeSoto on blocks out front for a -- er -- lookout post or whatever.

According to FBI sources, the famous Texas Ranger SWAT Team, known for its lightning-fast horseback-mounted midnight drug raids, wearing big old stetson hats, is now rehearsing in the Libyan desert for an assault on the compound, whenever fascist dictator of the world, Alberto Fujimori, gives the go-ahead.

Despite the heavy armament of the Texas Police and the total blockade they maintain on the compound, Richard McClaren, the Militia leader and the ambassador of the new Republic, has been obnoxiously defiant and set up loud-speakers to blare his own comments back at the army of police and FBI or whoever, maintaining the siege.

"Hey sailorboys," McClaren taunted police, earlier today, over the loudspeaker, "Just wanted you all to know that while you're all out there, bakin' your asses off in the hot Texas sun and with nothin' better to do than maybe, you know, clean your guns, or whatever, meanwhile we're all in here, all us members of the New Lesbian Republic of Texas and we're all just havin' tons of, you know, like HOT LESBIAN SEX!! You know, that good, ole fashion 4-XXXX-RATED HOT NON-STOP GIRL-GIRL ACTION!!"

"Lemme repeat that in case you missed it, that's 24-HOUR A DAY, 5-XXXX-RATED NON-STOP HOT HOT HOT LESBIAN SEX NON-STOP!! -- Now which fuckin' Texas would YOU rather belong to!"

The Republic's Declaration of Texas Lesbian Independence came as some surprise to even the most astute pundits of these things, given that Texas is generally known as the state of big dumb porker assholes who carry guns wherever the fuck they go, have cold-blooded murder for a hobby, and spend most of their time either shooting holes through road signs, or writing articles for "Wired Magazine" about all the road signs they've shot holes through.

Members of the Lesbian Republic of Texas Movement believe that the annexation of Texas as a heterosexual state by the US in 1845 was illegal and that the state should be an independent lesbian republic as it was from 1836 until 1845.

The state bird of the new republic will be the Dildo.


Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F