Food "out"; Secure compressed digital music formats "in"
Sheboygan, WI - (May 5) -
MacDonald's corporation of America, maker of so-called
"burgers and fries" and re-sellers of Coca Cola colored
sugar water, today introduced a new digital music
architecture which will allow the secure downloading and
distribution of digital music over the internet.
The company also announced how, like, because now that it's a kickass internet company, it is immediately getting the fuck out of the burger and fries and coke pushing business in order not to have to deal personally anymore with every fucking loser in the world, and their, you know, "families."
Moments after the MacDonald's announcement, however, "actress" Pamela Anderson Lee also introduced a new digital music architecture which will allow the secure downloading and distribution of digital music over the internet.
Anderson Lee stated that the product uses "the same new proprietary compression algorithm that rocker Tommy Lee's cock uses, and, as a result, provides much better sound quality and faster downloading than the MacDonald's format which is based on trickery and deceit and is an abomination unto Man."
She also announced that the revenues from licensing her new digital music compression format would allow her to finally get the fuck out of the boob and boob tube businesses respectively.
Moments after Anderson Lee's announcement, however, the UPS corporation, makers of big square shit-brown trucks driven by people in big square shit-brown uniforms who get out and carry around big square shit-brown boxes, today introduced a new digital music architecture for the secure downloading and distribution of digital music over the internet.
According to a spokesman for UPS, the format's compression algorithm, based on the US Post Office practise of taking a box marked "fragile," holding it about chest-high, and dropping it several times onto the concrete floor of a loading dock till it's infinitely smaller than it was, will download digital music much faster and with better sound quality than Anderson Lee's format because, apparently, according to the spokesman, "the algorithm used by rocker Tommy Lee's cock is a piece of shit."
Moments after the UPS announcement, however, General Mills, the inventor of Cheerios, also introduced a new digital music architecture which will allow the secure downloading and distribution of digital music over the internet.
A spokesman for General Mills stated that their digital music format "would download much faster and have better sound quality than the UPS format because, apparently, the UPS format is a piece of shit."
The company also announced that it would be immediately getting the fuck out of the business of trying to pass off finely ground rat turds and mouse gizzards as food, altogether, because it was "truly depressed at the thought of all our hard work winding up doing no more than just coming out the back end of the digestive systems of all those fucking losers out there."
Despite that, however, General Mills today also introduced a number of new items in its "Helper" line of products which used to include not only the flagship Hamburger Helper, but also Tuna Helper and Chicken Helper. (The once popular but now discontinued "helper" products were designed specifically to "help" the human brain complete the task of turning into hamburger, tuna and chicken, respectively. But no more.)
One of the new products, Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor Helper will help inhibit the re-uptake of serotonin by those little neuro-synaptic thingies, thereby placing the helpee in a state of peace bliss confidence harmony love success and self-satisfaction which will enable her to better handle the stresses of living in a world with no food, and many more secure downloadable digital music formats than reasons to live.
Other new General Mills "Helper" products introduced today include Lab Alcohol Helper, which greatly increases the amount of lab alcohol in a glass of lab alcohol and is based on the concept that adding 4 ounces of lab alcohol to 4 ounces of lab alcohol, will give you 8 ounces of lab alcohol.
General Mills CEO, General Hayley Mills, told reporters that drinking the above mixture in under 5 seconds, allowed you to not really give a flying fuck how long it takes a secure digital music compression format to download, or what the fuck it sounds like when played back on the computer you've just accidentally totally trashed to shit using the other new product announced today, Microprocessor Helper, which is based on the principle that allows for the doubling of a Pentium III's clock speed with only the forceful application of the blunt end of a hammer.
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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC