Wednesday, May 6, 1998
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Bill Gates Saves America, Again

NY, NY - (May 6) - Microsoft Chairman, Bill Gates, the most spiritually, emotionally and intellectually impoverished man in the world, took center stage, yesterday, at a press conference in New York City, to try to save America from the evil alien forces now plotting to totally destroy us.

"The immortal souls of the world's leading mass murderers and baby killers, Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and Reagan," Gates told an audience of hi-tech business reporters, "have apparently joined forces in some secret cosmic safe-house somewhere in another dimension!"

Gates went on to tell the stunned audience that this new "confederation of evil" has apparently hired outer space aliens to disguise themselves as humans and "replace" the US government and the American people.

"These outer space aliens who have taken over our Department of so-called 'Justice,'" Gates told the crowd, "are now out to destroy our great nation by destroying its very soul -- you know, MONEY."

Apparently, Gates is not only the richest man in the world, he's also the only man in the world who has seen through this evil alien plan, and the only man in the world who doesn't need no steenking Viagra in order to have the, you know, cajones to stand up to this brutal conspiracy of evil.

"These evil aliens," Gates stated, "plan to take away ALL of America's MONEY, leaving it totally broke, so that we're forced to beg table scraps from Bangladesh and 8-year old Indonesian Nike sweatshop workers, just to stay alive."

"And their plan is simple," Gates continued. "As everyone knows, the US economy is on the verge of total collapse and hundreds of detailed studies by reliable organizations have proven conclusively that the only thing that can save it is if our computer programs could just load up to 30% faster."

Of course, 30% faster loading of programs is one of the great new exciting new features of the great new exciting new all new Windows 98, Gates explained, (among many hundreds of thousands of other great new exciting new features) and will therefore save America (and our poor starving murderous children), "and that's why Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Reagan, and their conspiracy of evil outer space aliens are trying to delay the release of the all new great new exciting new Windows 98, long enough so that the world will end first, before it gets to have up to 30% faster loading of programs, and be saved."

Gates also claimed that Windows 98 has many other "great new exciting new features that will definitely save the world and without which the world will definitely end in a week or so. You know, great new features like, uhhh, uhhhh, uhhhh, well, uhhhh, you know."

Gates, sporting a great new Snow White haircut, then introduced the 7 Dwarfs -- the only men on earth who, once they were shot up with a little MS Viagra, also now suddenly had the cajones to stand up to this brutal conspiracy of evil.

"Yes," said Compaq president, Goofy or Sleepy or whoever, "Yes."

Following him to the podium, was Dell president, Mickey Mouse or Dopey or whoever.

"Yes," Mickey Mouse or Dopey or whoever, told the stunned audience of hi-tech business reporters still scouring the hungry morning, looking for an angry fix. "Yes. Absolutely one hundred and ten per cent YES."

Ooops! Dick Drug Viagra Causes Blindness

According to Pfizer Inc., its great new hot new "exciting" new dick drug, Viagra, also causes blindness.

"Uhhh, yeah. But, like, so fucking what?!!" said Pfizer Inc. president, Joe Pfizer. "What's new about erections and blindness going, uhhhh, 'hand in hand?' If ya know what I mean."

Hitler, Christ Merge

Apparently Dahmler or Daimler or whoever-Benz or whoever, maker of Hitler's car, will merge with the Chrystler corporation, makers of the car of Christ.

"The merger of Christ and Hitler is definitely seen as a win-win situation," the Pope and his Cardinals told CNN, and then promptly all shot each other in the Vatican. If you know what I mean.

Supreme Court Denies Presidential Privy

Apparently, according to Newsweek or whoever, the Supreme Court has denied the right of a US President to refuse to testify about something he said or thought or did while he was in the Presidential Privy.

"We don't give a shit where the guy was!!" Chief Justice Scalia said, by way of explaining the judicial precedent for the unanimous decision.

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