Wednesday, May 12, 1999
  Historians discover shocking new truth about History

Princeton, NJ - (May 12) - A team of historians at Princeton University has discovered a shocking new truth about History.

According to historian Rebecca Kramer, director of the research team that discovered the shocking new truth, "The shocking new truth we have discovered about History is that History DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST, YAH BUNCHA GULLIBLE DICKHEADS!!!"

According to Kramer, the universe itself didn't begin until 1963, and the so-called "Kennedy Assassination" wasn't really about killing Kennedy at all, but was really just an elaborate smoke screen to cover up how, like, before 1963, everything was just utter fucking nothingness."

"Before 1963," said Kramer, "there was no universe and, therefore, no Time and, of course, no people or Twinkies."

This striking discovery apparently arose out of work done on Kramer's new book,"Why Is Human Culture Just Soooooooooo Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaame????!!!!!"

"Reasoning by either induction or deduction, I forget which," said Kramer, "we reasoned that if there was no History when the universe started in 1963, then people would have just gone floating around all 'Whooooa, this is so weeeeeeeeird,' and we would still, to this day, just be floating around all 'Whooooa, this is so weeeeeeeird,' except maybe with slightly different haircuts."

According to Kramer this meant that the biggest fucking liars and fabricators in the world must have been kidnapped and forced to make up the History of the universe, on Day One of 1963.

"Unfortunately," said Kramer, "since this was anyone's first attempt at making up the History of the universe, it sorta came out pretty lame. Yet it took so much work that, once it was done, boy, were their arms tired."

So, according to Kramer, coming up with the present had to be left entirely to the utter dregs of the gene pool who not only had no idea what they fuck they were doing, but, in the absence of having any idea what the fuck they were doing, simply ripped off all the lame failures of their predecessors who, of course, had no idea what the fuck they were doing either -- albeit with slightly different haircuts.

"My theory," said Kramer, "therefore predicts such 'people' as Oliver Stone, George Lucas, Elton John, and Tom Wolfe, to name just a few, and their actual existence in the physical world proves conclusively that my theory is correct."

Sadly, Kramer's only prescription for changing this sickening state of affairs would be to have another Kennedy assassination and pretend to re-boot or re-bump-start the universe all over again, from scratch.

According to Kramer's assistant, Rebecca Sunnybrook, however, restarting the universe in this way could be difficult to coordinate, as it would require a future where everybody would have to cooperate by putting their fingers in their ears and going "La La La La La," whenever anybody slipped and accidentally mentioned, like, Celine Dion or Cher.

Lucas admits "Phantom Menace" is an "utter fucking Piece of Shit"

Famous motion picture director, George Lucas, admitted today that his latest so-called "film" The [so-called] "Phantom Menace," is an utter fucking worthless piece of shit.

"Of course my latest film, "The Phantom Menace," is an utter fucking worthless piece of shit," the famous director admitted, smiling, today.

Lucas stated that the film was intentionally an utter fucking worthless piece of shit because all his other films had intentionally been utter fucking worthless billion-dollar-grossing pieces of shit too, so why mess with a winning formula?

Lucas, who's only decent film was the one he made in film school, also admitted that his only decent film was the one he made in film school.


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