Wednesday, June 3, 1998
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Lewinsky Fires Ginsberg,
Hires Kerouac

Alleged presidential fellator or fellatiatrix or whatever, Monica Lewinsky or Lapinsky or whoever, shocked the very shit out of everybody, yesterday, by just totally firing the ass of her now former lawyer, Ginsberg, the famous so-called "beat" poet, best known for his famous beat poem, Scowl, or Smirk, or something.

"I am hereby, like, totally firing the ass of my beat poet-lawyer, Ginsberg," said Lewinsky or Lapinsky or whoever. "But don't, like, get all bummed out about it, cause I'm also, like, hereby totally hiring, famous beat poet, Kerouac."

Kerouac is the author of the bestselling beat self-help book, 7 Steps To Step 8, and a former Zed Leper lyricist who wrote the famous number one most popular and recursive song of all time, "Stairway to More Stairways."

"I don't know anything the fuck about this case, and I don't wanna know anything the fuck about this case," said Kerouac, obviously high on beer and salami or amyl nitrite, or something.

Lewinsky or Lapinsky, or whoever, said she was forced to fire Ginsberg cause he was always, like, either totally stoned or, like, totally getting blowjobs all the time, or both.

The only drawback to Lewinsky or Lapinsky, or whoever, hiring Kerouac is that, since he's apparently all dead or something, the trial will have to be conducted in the after-life, with a jury made up of mostly failed reincarnation attempts.

Spite Girls Split

The world-famous pop singing group, the Spite Girls, or whatever, so named because, apparently, they're only in it to spite their noses or their faces, or something, announced, yesterday, that one of the Spite Girls, Judy or Joan Spite, or somebody, would be leaving the Spite Girls, apparently, out of spite.

The remaining Spite Girls were, however, utterly fucking sanguine about the whole fucking thing and said they would commemorate this loss of one of their, you know, "members" by chopping the last letter off their name, the Spite Girls, and becoming the Spit Girls and re-titling their upcoming CD to be "something about hocking lotsa sweet love logies."

Prop P Passes

Pennsylvania voters, yesterday, totally, like, passed controversial Proposition P.

Proposition P, apparently, makes it totally illegal to distract somebody by propositioning them while they're either voting on a proposition or, in turn, propositioning somebody else or themselves.

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