Friday, June 5, 1998
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Becomes "One"

Consequences, New Mexico - (June 5) - Telecommunications has finally decided to stop fucking around and indulging in this nickel and dime, penny ante, merger/buy-out/partnering bullshit, which is really just a loud, cheap form of advertising and hard-wired boredom-reflex, anyway, and, in its place, has done the only righteous and fundamental thing left, and merged totally and completely unto itself and become ONE -- everywhere and always -- instantaneous and free.

"We have decided to stop nickel-and-diming human consciousness," said a former spokesman for the former industry, "and will, now, simply throw open the universal channel which has always been there, but which, up till now, we've been blocking and filtering and cherry-picking for our own stupid, filthy gain.

"Which means that, from here forward, everything everyone says or does or thinks, will be instantaneously communicated to absolutely everyone else, everywhere else, and vice versa, round the clock, real-time, no delay, no loss and at no cost. So it'll now simply be up to each person, individually, to select out what he or she doesn't want to hear or see or know about."

"Telecommunications is like heroin," said another former spokesman for the former industry. But before he could explain exactly how telecommunications was like heroin, his utility vehicle swerved into the pass out lane and he, you know, passed out.

A researcher at the Sudbury Neutrino Observatory in Canada told CNN, the Cable Neutrino Network, that mass universal instantaneous free telecommunications would "pave the way for all mankind to realize its most basic and human dream: You know, the dream where you murder everybody you don't wanna fuck, and then fuck everybody who's left."

"At least that will give us universal peace and democracy and happiness," added the researcher, who's next of kin were withheld, pending notification of his name.

"And maybe we can finally merge back into that one single universal Self, of which we are all now just pathetic fragments, endlessly hating each others' guts and telling each other to, you know, 'Hey, shut the fuck up and mind your own fucking business!' -- Ooops. There goes a neutrino. Gotta run."

According to Rebecca Sunnybrook, former head of the Union of Concerned uhhh, something, I forget what, "In the coming war with HELL, this new world communications order will mean you, yes YOU, can profit from your very soul. Starting today. It's just that easy."

Apparently, according to the New Yorker or the Shopping Channel, "The world's just got this one fucking dumb story, that comes from survival, and now, with the one world instantaneous communications order, there really won't be any alternative, except the old tragic route that follows a couplea Bloody Marys with a couplea Hail Marys and then a punt, fashionably out of the stadium, to end the game."

Oooops. There goes another neutrino.

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1998 by C3F